hmmmm.

why do they call them "grave blankets" and "grave pillows"?

and

doesn't one have better things to spend $100 on?

mental floss

i have two big projects due before christmas. that being so my mind starts to wander and procrastinate. here is where i go in that noggin of mine-

-i want to go get a masters in bioethics at MSU with intention to move on to a Phd to work towards ethical regulation of homebirth midwifery.... or something like that.

-i want to buy my ever coveted jewelers bench and fill my tanks to make jewelry again

-i want to quit all my jobs and be a stay home mom only

-i want to be a midwife assistant and maybe a midwife when my kids are older

-i want to travel teaching doula trainings

-i want to go get my masters in jewelry

-i want to live a while year on completely local and seasonal food.

-i want to raise goats

-i want to live in a yurt

-i want to interview senior citizen women and collect their birth stories

-i want to travel

-i want to be super mom

-i am very happy with my amazing family

-i am so happy my marriage is getting better every day

-i am happy with the work i do

what the ferg?

the kids are running around playing crazy
the bean had a baby doll in her shirt saying she she had a baby in her belly.
the bean says the baby is coming the baby is coming
the monkey says hurry you need to get to surgery
......... what the f*** is that?

i step in of course with a look of horror on my face i am sure. the monkey replies "what? babies all are born in the hospital?" again - wtf?! i proceeded to inform him that his sister was born at home adn he was there (he knows this we talk about sometimes) the conversation went on but dribbled out. it is not that i dont want the kids to know that babies are born through surgery at times but as a default for "birth play", nuh-uh. i am over reacting i know and i am ok with that.

i wanna talk about it

i remember when i went on my first outing alone after the monkey was born- it was to target for an hour. i remember walking aimlessly through the isles seeing the world through a new lens. in my head i could not stop thinking "dont these people understand i just brought forth life through my body" "all these people were once little nuggets like mine at home" "life is fucking insane".

tonight, halloween, i was teaching and could not get it out of my head "these folks dont know i just watched my grandfather die" "life is so simple if you stop trying so hard" "yall are going to die someday". it seems another lens has been added to my collection.

then the entire drive home i was thinking about my grandfather and what he looked like after he died. he was semi reclined, his head tilted to the right, eyes closed and mouth open. my step mother was very bothered that we did not close his mouth but i know if i tried to close it i would obsess about keeping it closed and the position he was in i didnt think it would stay closed until rigamortis started to set in. it reminded me of the many holocaust photos i have seen of the dead. i could not help but picture myself in that position- dead that is. the color draining from my face, skin getting slack and droopy, mouth open, eyes closed just sitting there- dead.

I just want to talk about these things. birth life death. it is all so very weird.

There once was a mother

about a week ago i was riding my bike with the kids in the neighborhood. being that it is october folks has their decorations out. one house had fake tombstones and one was of an "unknown soul" 1821-1865. i could not but let my mind wander to the "unknown souls". although i was very aware that this was a fake tombstone i am also very aware there are people who pass unknown or unnoticed. with that my mind goes back to the beginning of these "unknown souls" and i end up with - there once was a mother who gave birth. whether or not that mother ended up mothering the child or passing it on for another to mother or father- for that time she was the mother.

the "unknown soul" was once housed in its mothers belly living inches from her heart. that "unknown soul" came from the mothers body into this world. there once was a mother.

today i am thinking of my grandfathers body at the crematorium. the body created in my great grandmothers womb and presented to the world through her body today will be a pile of ashes.

life and death are funny little things. why do we make it so complicated? it seems to me it should be much simpler.

Death is so interesting

tonight i watched my grandfather die.

early this morning he had a heart attack and was dnr but the ems missed it. so he ended up on a ventilator until hospice could be processed hours later. when i got there he was doped out on morphine he had awoke earlier that afternoon/late morning for about 20 mins. freaked out that he was in the hospital with a tube down his throat (the one thing he did not want after his year of issues and close calls back in 2004). my grandmother, dad, step mom, aunt and uncle were there when i arrived. a bit later my sister in law showed up (my brother is in spain) after a bit they all left to eat and get a bit of rest but my sister in law and myself stayed. after an hour or so of my sister in law rambling on about herself and her new house and .... anyway his lungs stopped and all his organs shut down. i saw it happening as she was talking i stood up she stopped he died.

everyone arrived back to the room about 20 minutes later. it was interesting to be in that room for that 20 minutes with his body. still, slowly changing color from tan and pink to pale yellow. he looked heavy not really sleeping but waiting for him to startle or gasp. he was still warm but over time his ears got cold. he had the softest hair. i knew he was not there but i wanted to touch him and console him as if he were. maybe i thought of it as if it were a channel to wherever he had gone.

when everyone did return- my grandmother was relieved it was over and a peaceful passing for him. and my dad and aunt cope as they do best by talking and planning... for the next tow hours. they did end up kicking up out of the room before he started to funk.

i realize i am much better witnessing death than thinking about it.

when i did get upset it was most always when thinking about my grandmother. her living on without him. her having this suffering with my grandfather over the past few years with his poor health. her having to watch him die. most all of these were way too close with my fear of losing my husband and best friend, be it now or when we are 90.

i have fought really allowing myself to be really close to my husband (ie. me pushing him away, being a bitch etc.) for years and only recently have i really given into the vulnerability of truly allowing myself to love him. it has been hard and scary. if i held him (or anyone really ) at arms length when they die my rational was that it would be easier. stupid rational - i know. now i love him with all my heart without reservation and have panic attacks about him having a heart attack or some other demise almost weekly.

now at least i can think of my grandmother if one day i have to wake up knowing the love of my life is gone. i will not be alone and i will be so blessed for having him for the time i did.

death is so interesting.

good music and good company

friday was an unexpected outing to go hear some great music. especially a local little lady (amy morgan) who was unfortunately under the weather but she still played the piano and guitar beautifully. john latini was great and the company was good.
i dont think i have ever been to the tap room annex before. 13 years i have lived here and it is nice to discover new things.

makes me want to sing :)

Female Prostate

Read here

I found this interesting (among other things)
""The first person known to have described the "female prostate" in Western medical literature was Reinier De Graaf (1641-1673) in the year 1672. He described it as a collection of functional glands and ducts surrounding the female urethra. He said the glands and ducts produced a "pituitoserous juice;" meaning it produces a thick mucous that is pale yellow or transparent in color. He said the function of this fluid was to make "women more libidinous with its pungency and saltiness and lubricates their sexual parts in agreeable fashion during coitus." Despite his observation modern Western medicine did not fully accept the concept of a "female prostate" until 2001 when the Federative Committee on Anatomical Terminology agreed to use this term in their next edition of Histology Terminology."

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

wtf? my son is 6 and the neighbor girl is putting the moves on him in their garage. the monkey told me
she said:
"are you thinking what i am thinking?" (as she walked into the garage)
he said:
"uh..... sure."
then she kisses him on the lips. and he said he freaked out and ran home.

this was a few weeks ago i guess. then today we had a play date and the monkey kissed his play friend (a girl) good bye on the lips as she was leaving. seeing this i was compelled to ask if that was his first kiss. he replied no and told me of the incident above. then asked if that was the first time he kissed his play friend today. he replied no he kissed her earlier int he day while they were hiding from the bean in the shower stall. i asked who initiated it and he said he kissed her and she freaked out and ran out of the bathroom saying she had to go to the bathroom.

we talked and i think i handled it pretty well. we did lay down the guidelines that you have to ask someone if you can kiss them before you lay a wet one on them. the whole conversation i must say was really adorable. he blushed and had a cute little embarrassed but proud smile.

now if my neighbors could curb their daughters fast track ways (hannah montana style i can only assume by this said 6 year old girls obsession with the show, the music and anything hannah montana)

Today is a new day. And that damn Ego.

I taught interventions in my childbirth ed. classes last night. It is a hard two and a half hours to see the light bulbs go off and the fear and shock grow on their faces like trapped animals. Luckily the next two weeks of class helps empower and relieve all that yucky stuff.

I would like to sit in on other childbirth ed. classes that cater to the epidural crowd. What do they teach? Or are they as honest as me but all the attending couples so stuck in fear they have their ear muffs on that they cannot even hear the alternative of trying to do it without getting hte epidural in the parking lot.

So, I have been having my ego struggle lately. The problem with having midwives as friends is the ever feeling not cool enough. The "I'm just a childbirth educator" or "I am just a doula". Intellectually I know that what I do is very important. I fill a huge gap that our culture has in the reproductive years. I love thinking about it and with the kid of work I do I can reach a lot of people and get them to look at things different so maybe they will hire a doula or have a midwife attended birth at the hospital or at home for their normal healthy pregnancy. Giving them confidence in their bodies and their ability to get through birth. BUT my ego sneaks in and whispers "but your not a midwife." Damn you little monster in my head. Intellectually I know I do not want to be a midwife right now and honestly I do not know what the future will hold for me. My husband is working full time and in school full time (so freaking cool! and i am so proud of him). I do want to stay home and homeschool my kids for now (although many think i am crazy). My "career" can come later (whatever that may be) and I am ok with that but that damn ego. Maybe my path is to train women to be doulas, or get into academics, or to follow my husband all over the world while he studies rare new species.

Honestly I was looking at jewelers benches on line last night. I will stay in birth work but I want balance back. For balance I need time. I want to play with fire and metal and create again.

Right now I just need some Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smiley.

Some thoughts on Doulas

with in an hour it went to a marginally poopy day to a great day.

i woke up really annoyed with how some folks are talking about my profession as a doula (as it was described in the book Pushed). not that i do not agree with them on a whole that doulas could be supporting women in some really medically over managed births and trying to make it into a good experience when they otherwise may see it as something that was not the way it should have gone - sugar coating the experience it has been said. i think it is not the fact that we are in there i think it is that most doulas dont really get in there and be there more hands on when it can make a difference. especially in the past year i find that if you are more respectfully active as a doula the mother gets left alone more and the nurses back off a bit or getting creative with the bumps that come your way like constant fetal monitoring.

i was at a birth that after i left the nurse told the couple that i was so hand on and present for the mother where most doulas she worked with sat in the chair and knit or read a book while the mom was in the tub, just chillin or doing her thing. i take a book or knitting but i find i rarely get to pick it up and if i do it is never in the room with the mom. it is different to attend a mother in the hospital than in their home. in the hospital if a mom is in the tub i am kneeling on the floor just being there with her if that is what she wants (sometimes the mom likes alone time or just time with her partner in there) if mom is in the bed chillin' i may not say anything or do anything special but my attention is still on her and she can tell the difference. in the home it is her space and she may want you with her or not but there is more flexibility because she is in her space and usually does not feel she needs to be anchored or protected from anything. and it is hard for me to attend a homebirth and a hospital birth back to back because there is a huge difference.

i think a lot of doulas do this work so part time it is hard to feel a sense of authority or be able to have a strong presence in the hospital. many are just intimidated. i have seen some messed up stuff and in postpartum visits sometimes light bulbs start going off but sometimes it does not happen until a year or more later.

i am just getting so peeved at the are doulas good or bad debate. WOMEN ARE TALKING ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES LIKE THEY DID NOT BEFORE. there may not be the direct change that some may want but there is change occuring. a recent client of mine had her mother come into town and was so happy that her daughter had her baby in a room of women and supported. to this line of women this was a huge improvement from the grandmothers birth in the 70's where she was alone, shaved, enema, in stirrups surrounded with strange men.

ok, i am getting more into this than i meant to right now. the c-section rate and birth in general is complicated. it is a social/cultural issue, an business issue (insurance and hospitals), and education issue. i believe in what i do and how i do it and i hear what folks are saying but i think they are being very short sighted and shallow thinking.

BUT THE FLIP SIDE OF MY MORNING: last night i got a facebook friend request from a friend in australia that i havent talked to or been able to get a hold of in three years. that made my morning and my bitchy mood has been defused. thank you.

PPPSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH...

do you hear that? it is me decompressing.

oh my goodness i have been wound so tight the past few weeks the littlest thing could throw me into tears or rage. yesterday big daddy took the monkeys to the in-laws for the day and i got to work on my much overdue project. after a surprisingly easy time at my project i popped up to the corner brew early for the book meeting and found some other friends there. a few beers later i cut myself off and moved to coca-cola.

honestly i cannot remember the last time i had a day off from the kids (not including births). it has pretty much been full on since at least spring. not good.

funny thing is that i was on the phone two days ago counseling a new mom about taking care of herself so she can take care of her family. as the words came out of my mouth i was kicking myself in my head - why is it so hard to take care of ourselves, to ask for what we need or just to ask for help (i am terrible at that last one).

i actually feel like i can deal with the world today. thanks big daddy.

why?

why does a baby decide to be born from a perfectly healthy mother at 33 weeks? i long to understand the man behind the curtain.

the other day...i met a bear.

the other day the monkey asked me what a monk was. i answered as best i could including different religions which led to talking about different peoples beliefs. after awhile i shared that i believed that Jesus was a really great man. the monkey replied "yeah, i believe in Jesus........ and faeries, gnomes and sprites." i said "me too."

summer in october

bills. ACK! had a wee bit of a freak out last night that ended up in an ok situation but a swift kick in the ass on order in chaos.

this past year i have felt like i have been running like mad to catch up with my life. everything happened so quickly. and the order in my life that i love so much and makes me feel safe fell into a pile on the floor along with my laundry. waiting and almost begging for me to give it some attention.

i try to set boundaries like - no working on sundays. then i get a call from a nice pregnant lady explaining how sunday is the only day she can get a massage....so i bend my life to accommodate. it does not sound like a big deal but if one does this enough then they are working every day even if just for a little bit. it is not good when it takes a lot to let go and focus on hanging out with the family.

on another note we, as an entire family went hiking in the crazy hot october weather, at leslie science center. big daddy caught a snake and the monkey found two. the pond was dried up but we found bugs. it was so nice to hang out as a whole family. it is too rare. i wish i took the camera because we would have gotten some great photos of our hot ass selves. ;)

off to the lake with the kids since it is supposed to be 90 degrees today. wow!

babies, dragon boats and water heaters

how can so much happen in such a short period of time?

well for us that is. we are homebodies at heart and although we are productive we are not the jet set types. (i love to call our new neighbors the jet setters- they are wonderful busy over acheiver types that make me feel like i am moving in slow motion).

the second time mom i was waiting on had her baby friday night it was a quick birth which balanced out the long birth from last week. i had a strong feeling that this would be a quick one. all went beautiful with a 10lb 12oz bouncing baby boy in the end. she was amazing to watch. and her partner was wonderful too. it happened smack dab in the middle of the night. first call at 12:30am, called out at 1:30am baby born by 3:30 am home by 6:30 am and making pancakes for the kids by 8:30 am.

big daddy had school that day so i trucked the kids to a2 for the red tent event which was fun. the kids entertained themselves with crafts, food, and puppet shows. i talked to some great ladies and got invited to a retreat at the beginning of november to scope out an organization i have been asked to be on the board of. i am planning on joining the board but i love retreats with ropes courses and fun as hell women to boot.

after that we went to the fallapalooza in depot town. it was fun. we stopped by the five and dime to get a magnet claendar so the monkey can start learning the months and days. i have wanted one for a few years but have been to cheap to buy one. i splurged. it helps that i found out i will be getting paid to teach this fall. i was not counting on that. yay! we are still waiting on the retro pell grant check but that is another post.

saturday night i took big daddy on a date to see the movie "birth as business"- yes that was a date ;) i wrote about it in the last post so i will not detail about it. but it did open some really nice conversation between big daddy and i about our birth experiences. it was good.

sunday i had a massage at 9am that i forgot to cancel. i was really tired at that point. the day after effect. the kids and i went to serviec at 11:30am there is a new guy who i love. very inspirational talked about anti religous/spiritual extremeism. very fitting for where my head was. talking about inclucivity and the like. the bean loved it. her first time in the preschool room.

then we went to the dragon boat festival . the bean was tired. it was interesting but they started closing down about two hours before advertised. we waited in line for face paining for 1/2 hour for them to tell us they were shutting down. so we stopped off at the haloween store to get face paints that we did today.

AND last but not least late last night the water heater pooped out. and tomorrow and $700 later we will have hot water again. yay! ha.

off to eat.... good day.

a different shade of gray

after watching "the business of birth" and hearing an interesting panel of "experts" field questions and debate over the topic of birth in america, i am left with thoughts. i wanted to say something but my fear of public speaking and a quivering voice kept me from speaking up. i usually dont get stage fright especially when talking about birth but there was a fellow who was a medical bioethicist (whom i have heard about and is super cool in my book) who i just really didnt want to chance looking like a jack ass in front of. but anyway back to the brain dump.

they seemed to talk in circles about the same old shit dr's bad, natural birth good, system fucked, our country's maternal and infant mortality are awful, blah blah blah. i dotn mean to be flip but it just is like two dogs chasing after eachothers tails. so my thoughts were-

1. if most births are attended by ob's then why are obs not being trained in natural birth and the art of doing nothing? (i know there is a liability answer in there but they do lack training in normal birth and nutrition for optimal pregnancy)

2. what about continuity of care from pregnancy, birth to postpartum?

3. education of options of care providers and consumers alike?

4. what about creating community round tables on the topics in birth and cross profession peer reviews? (i know there are egos in the answers to this one)

5. what about depolarizing the issue and coming together without blame or fear of the other? the only way to change is to hear each other out WITH RESPECT even if we disagree.

the far left and the far right in any situation annoy the shit out of me regarding their inability to see the entire picture. there are many of us in the gray and if we were able to come together regularly WITH RESPECT maybe we could get somewhere.

photo update

as summer comes to an end a photo update is in order. it was a crazy busy time and the fall is brining much fun with lots of hiking. so here we go...

First we begin with the sweater (this one is for you kim) who you ask knits a sweater in the middle of the summer? me. i did not think i would get it done so quickly. i was sure i would need at least three months for it but a couple weeks in all and it was done. the bean loves it and is very proud that it was made by me (gush) i also sewed her a funky purple fleece dress (no pics sorry)
next we have the blessingway to celebrate a friends getting her CPM as a midwife. a long path and a night of wine, food and the hat. most blessingways have wreaths of flowers but it just didnt seem to fit so we had a hat decorated with rubber cloves, lube, cord clamps and chicken bones among other things :)
the bean turned three this year! that is a big one in our house. yes she is pouting in this pic. but the monkey has his charm going. and she picked that fly outfit too, just one of many fashionable combos she has come up with. (and i love it!!!)
this is the matured pond. big daddy's project and it is beautiful. in it live fish and frog.... so cool.

strawberry ice cream and feet


the monkey's art show from his two week art and drama camp. they also wrote and put on a play at the end for the parents. it was awesome. i was very happy i found the camcorder charger for that. (its been lost for 2 years...whoops).
this is oen of the greatest (not kid related) things to happen this summer. we signed up for door to door organics. we get a once a week delivery of great organic food for a great price. it is like christmas every tuesday. it makes it so much easier to cook now since the produce dictates the menu. like we got artichokes- what does one do with artichokes for a meal? well, you boil them in water with salt and vinegar until tender and serve with crumbled feta with drizzled olive oil and oregano and bread with sliced plums for desert. YUM!
going on a neighborhood hike with one of our two new neighbor friends. we were gnome hunting.
the monkeys first day back at his homeschool art class they did self portraits. he said he had help with the nose but the rest was his. his wonderful talented 6 year old self!!! impressive.
our trip to three cedars farm. the tail-less cow.
this is why i kick kids out of my kitchen while i am using knives. it has healed nicely but i do miss that corner of my nail a bit.
our trip to the arb of a beautiful day. hiking down to the river climbing "cricket mountain" looking for gnomes and fairies trying to beat the "dark one" (the rain clouds) searching for the crystal palace while counting the messengers (the runners) and pointing out the old wise ones (the older folks who were walking). then we got in tht floater and drove home :)

this was at parker mill park. the bean was a bit grumpy and i was recovering from sleep deprivation but it was a great day for a hike.

we have started the fall with lot more hiking as you can tell. last night we had a lovely dinner party that lasted into the night. we are busy with school, work and hanging out. looking forward to chilling with friends and eating good food into the coming winter. I love fall!

a long one

after two days with this adorable couple and a couple nights of sleep lost the wee nugget was born yesterday at 3:25pm. it was a long haul but lovely. i did so miss my family when i was gone that long. i had to give a talk at whole foods that night at 7:30pm-8:30pm about birth choices so i had big daddy have a movie night so the sweet monkeys would be awake when i got home. even though they were up later they were still bright eyed and bushy tailed at 7:30am.

childcare for this one was kind of tight. my good friend canceled her appointment the first day to watch my kids. i was so thankful. and the monkey got to see his friend he has not seen in a bit. although the bean tells me she is not really grooving with my friends 3 year old but i am sure she still had fun. the second day was a bit more tricky. i was able to come home for a couple of hours to let big daddy get to work early, get the kids up and dressed and orchestrate childcare for the day which was asking my good friend again to watch the kids before and after her classes with my new (but absolutely lovely with southern hospitality) neighbor (well actually my new neighbors absolutely lovely mother in law) watching them while my good friend was in class. i even called my dad the second day to see if he wanted to play hooky from work to watch the kids. surprisingly he was open to it so that was good news.

today is a lot of laundry and grocery shopping (we have had no groceries for 3 days-oops) and hanging with the kiddos.

working as a doula is an odd calling. we are inviting into one of the most intimate events of a womans and a couples life. there was one point where this mother was in the shower with her radio blaring her premade labor mix, her husband stood moaning fore head to forehead with her while also spraying her back with the removable shower head. the peace on her face and the strength he offered her was beautiful to see. this couple was so connected i teared up watching them. i was really there at times just as a witness to this amazing event.

the birth unit was really busy because of all those childless folks going out on new years and kickin' it with some baby makin'. for how busy it was the on call midwives called in back up for all three of the 12 hour shifts we were there for so we got to see quite a few faces, midwife faces that is. i think at one point they had 9 women in labor at the same time. insane.

hopefully i will have a photo update soon.

update from birthsitting

last night i was trying ot upload pictures that have been on my computer for most of the summer. i was going to have a photo update but that will have to wait because a baby is coming....although slowly.

a new year of homeschool this year and it is actually going well. the hardest part for me is to put it priority over someone wanting to stop by in the morning or jetting out for an errand. when we keep to the plan all is good and the kids love it. we have taken to schooling first thing in the morning. the monkey is doing awesome and the bean wants to do all that the monkey is doing so she has been given an old workbook of the monkeys to destroy.... oh, i mean work on. then most days we go for a hike in a park somewhere last week was an adventure in the arb and another day was a less than relaxing hike at the botanical gardens. we had dentist and other appointments that kept us from hikes the other days but it seems like it will be a good year for it. if i get really organized we will get into letterboxing. today was supposed ot be parker mill park but as i said a baby is a-comin'.

work has been on my mind although i have had a wee bit of a break. too much down time gets my mind a runnin'. many changes are occurring in all areas none of which i have control over all of which have impact on me. only time will show the outcome. i got some good news yesterday, well i guess it is just news but i see it as good news. of which i hope to be able to talk about soon. sorry to be vague. i sent out my ALACE certification exam request and i have to write a 50-80 page outline for DONA asap. i am pretty unmotivated for both but know i need to have them behind me and the only way in through.

i got a cherry deal on birth books, a fetoscope, bp cuff, stethoscope, and some other goodies for a birth bag form a lovely friend yesterday. it was also a great morning for more than the booty.

the lovely couple has just gotten back from their walk so i am going to sign ff for now. I hope to update soon with some great photos of the family and out hikes last week.