a different shade of gray

after watching "the business of birth" and hearing an interesting panel of "experts" field questions and debate over the topic of birth in america, i am left with thoughts. i wanted to say something but my fear of public speaking and a quivering voice kept me from speaking up. i usually dont get stage fright especially when talking about birth but there was a fellow who was a medical bioethicist (whom i have heard about and is super cool in my book) who i just really didnt want to chance looking like a jack ass in front of. but anyway back to the brain dump.

they seemed to talk in circles about the same old shit dr's bad, natural birth good, system fucked, our country's maternal and infant mortality are awful, blah blah blah. i dotn mean to be flip but it just is like two dogs chasing after eachothers tails. so my thoughts were-

1. if most births are attended by ob's then why are obs not being trained in natural birth and the art of doing nothing? (i know there is a liability answer in there but they do lack training in normal birth and nutrition for optimal pregnancy)

2. what about continuity of care from pregnancy, birth to postpartum?

3. education of options of care providers and consumers alike?

4. what about creating community round tables on the topics in birth and cross profession peer reviews? (i know there are egos in the answers to this one)

5. what about depolarizing the issue and coming together without blame or fear of the other? the only way to change is to hear each other out WITH RESPECT even if we disagree.

the far left and the far right in any situation annoy the shit out of me regarding their inability to see the entire picture. there are many of us in the gray and if we were able to come together regularly WITH RESPECT maybe we could get somewhere.

photo update

as summer comes to an end a photo update is in order. it was a crazy busy time and the fall is brining much fun with lots of hiking. so here we go...

First we begin with the sweater (this one is for you kim) who you ask knits a sweater in the middle of the summer? me. i did not think i would get it done so quickly. i was sure i would need at least three months for it but a couple weeks in all and it was done. the bean loves it and is very proud that it was made by me (gush) i also sewed her a funky purple fleece dress (no pics sorry)
next we have the blessingway to celebrate a friends getting her CPM as a midwife. a long path and a night of wine, food and the hat. most blessingways have wreaths of flowers but it just didnt seem to fit so we had a hat decorated with rubber cloves, lube, cord clamps and chicken bones among other things :)
the bean turned three this year! that is a big one in our house. yes she is pouting in this pic. but the monkey has his charm going. and she picked that fly outfit too, just one of many fashionable combos she has come up with. (and i love it!!!)
this is the matured pond. big daddy's project and it is beautiful. in it live fish and frog.... so cool.

strawberry ice cream and feet


the monkey's art show from his two week art and drama camp. they also wrote and put on a play at the end for the parents. it was awesome. i was very happy i found the camcorder charger for that. (its been lost for 2 years...whoops).
this is oen of the greatest (not kid related) things to happen this summer. we signed up for door to door organics. we get a once a week delivery of great organic food for a great price. it is like christmas every tuesday. it makes it so much easier to cook now since the produce dictates the menu. like we got artichokes- what does one do with artichokes for a meal? well, you boil them in water with salt and vinegar until tender and serve with crumbled feta with drizzled olive oil and oregano and bread with sliced plums for desert. YUM!
going on a neighborhood hike with one of our two new neighbor friends. we were gnome hunting.
the monkeys first day back at his homeschool art class they did self portraits. he said he had help with the nose but the rest was his. his wonderful talented 6 year old self!!! impressive.
our trip to three cedars farm. the tail-less cow.
this is why i kick kids out of my kitchen while i am using knives. it has healed nicely but i do miss that corner of my nail a bit.
our trip to the arb of a beautiful day. hiking down to the river climbing "cricket mountain" looking for gnomes and fairies trying to beat the "dark one" (the rain clouds) searching for the crystal palace while counting the messengers (the runners) and pointing out the old wise ones (the older folks who were walking). then we got in tht floater and drove home :)

this was at parker mill park. the bean was a bit grumpy and i was recovering from sleep deprivation but it was a great day for a hike.

we have started the fall with lot more hiking as you can tell. last night we had a lovely dinner party that lasted into the night. we are busy with school, work and hanging out. looking forward to chilling with friends and eating good food into the coming winter. I love fall!

a long one

after two days with this adorable couple and a couple nights of sleep lost the wee nugget was born yesterday at 3:25pm. it was a long haul but lovely. i did so miss my family when i was gone that long. i had to give a talk at whole foods that night at 7:30pm-8:30pm about birth choices so i had big daddy have a movie night so the sweet monkeys would be awake when i got home. even though they were up later they were still bright eyed and bushy tailed at 7:30am.

childcare for this one was kind of tight. my good friend canceled her appointment the first day to watch my kids. i was so thankful. and the monkey got to see his friend he has not seen in a bit. although the bean tells me she is not really grooving with my friends 3 year old but i am sure she still had fun. the second day was a bit more tricky. i was able to come home for a couple of hours to let big daddy get to work early, get the kids up and dressed and orchestrate childcare for the day which was asking my good friend again to watch the kids before and after her classes with my new (but absolutely lovely with southern hospitality) neighbor (well actually my new neighbors absolutely lovely mother in law) watching them while my good friend was in class. i even called my dad the second day to see if he wanted to play hooky from work to watch the kids. surprisingly he was open to it so that was good news.

today is a lot of laundry and grocery shopping (we have had no groceries for 3 days-oops) and hanging with the kiddos.

working as a doula is an odd calling. we are inviting into one of the most intimate events of a womans and a couples life. there was one point where this mother was in the shower with her radio blaring her premade labor mix, her husband stood moaning fore head to forehead with her while also spraying her back with the removable shower head. the peace on her face and the strength he offered her was beautiful to see. this couple was so connected i teared up watching them. i was really there at times just as a witness to this amazing event.

the birth unit was really busy because of all those childless folks going out on new years and kickin' it with some baby makin'. for how busy it was the on call midwives called in back up for all three of the 12 hour shifts we were there for so we got to see quite a few faces, midwife faces that is. i think at one point they had 9 women in labor at the same time. insane.

hopefully i will have a photo update soon.

update from birthsitting

last night i was trying ot upload pictures that have been on my computer for most of the summer. i was going to have a photo update but that will have to wait because a baby is coming....although slowly.

a new year of homeschool this year and it is actually going well. the hardest part for me is to put it priority over someone wanting to stop by in the morning or jetting out for an errand. when we keep to the plan all is good and the kids love it. we have taken to schooling first thing in the morning. the monkey is doing awesome and the bean wants to do all that the monkey is doing so she has been given an old workbook of the monkeys to destroy.... oh, i mean work on. then most days we go for a hike in a park somewhere last week was an adventure in the arb and another day was a less than relaxing hike at the botanical gardens. we had dentist and other appointments that kept us from hikes the other days but it seems like it will be a good year for it. if i get really organized we will get into letterboxing. today was supposed ot be parker mill park but as i said a baby is a-comin'.

work has been on my mind although i have had a wee bit of a break. too much down time gets my mind a runnin'. many changes are occurring in all areas none of which i have control over all of which have impact on me. only time will show the outcome. i got some good news yesterday, well i guess it is just news but i see it as good news. of which i hope to be able to talk about soon. sorry to be vague. i sent out my ALACE certification exam request and i have to write a 50-80 page outline for DONA asap. i am pretty unmotivated for both but know i need to have them behind me and the only way in through.

i got a cherry deal on birth books, a fetoscope, bp cuff, stethoscope, and some other goodies for a birth bag form a lovely friend yesterday. it was also a great morning for more than the booty.

the lovely couple has just gotten back from their walk so i am going to sign ff for now. I hope to update soon with some great photos of the family and out hikes last week.

finally getting around to posting this here

August 13, 2007 - Monday

stop this train, i wnat to get off and go home again it is one of those times. feeling a bit thin skinned. an idiot and an impostor as the routine settles in again and the normal speed of our busy lives picks up. i want to get off. i liked it slow. i liked the break. i remembered to the times that i would run away (travel) every year to escape and shut down. i feel like i have been "on" for too long. a light bulb that is getting a bit too hot about to burn the whole house down. everyone says i will miss these times, when the kids are young but i miss them now. i want it all but i want none of it. i lay down with my daughter who has been raging most of the evening. she is mad but at what i do not know- at growing up maybe, that i can understand. she is tired, weepy and so i sing to her. i sit on the floor watching her eyes open and close as she has the inner debate as whether to give in to sleep. her chubby little cheeks which i havent noticed in awhile exaggerated under the edge of the comforter. i sing twinkle twinkle (her favorite), hush little baby, and she asks me to sing ABC. i watch her doze off and think of the year and a half old baby that passed a couple of weeks ago. i look into my daughters face and think how lucky i am to have her. i look at her face and try to see her as a girl and then as a woman. i think of the paths her life may take and pray she lives long and well, and has a peaceful death. the last of which i pray i will be long gone for but waiting for her when it is her time to join me. I think she has fallen asleep, tears running down my cheeks i pet her hair, kiss her forehead and say "i love you". eyes still closed she rolls over and dreamily says "i love you too, mama" a moment so perfect you want to catch it in a jar and save it forever. or at least until the next day when she is raging again. this is where my brain goes at the drop of a hat. and all i wanted was a goldfish.