finally getting around to posting this here

August 13, 2007 - Monday

stop this train, i wnat to get off and go home again it is one of those times. feeling a bit thin skinned. an idiot and an impostor as the routine settles in again and the normal speed of our busy lives picks up. i want to get off. i liked it slow. i liked the break. i remembered to the times that i would run away (travel) every year to escape and shut down. i feel like i have been "on" for too long. a light bulb that is getting a bit too hot about to burn the whole house down. everyone says i will miss these times, when the kids are young but i miss them now. i want it all but i want none of it. i lay down with my daughter who has been raging most of the evening. she is mad but at what i do not know- at growing up maybe, that i can understand. she is tired, weepy and so i sing to her. i sit on the floor watching her eyes open and close as she has the inner debate as whether to give in to sleep. her chubby little cheeks which i havent noticed in awhile exaggerated under the edge of the comforter. i sing twinkle twinkle (her favorite), hush little baby, and she asks me to sing ABC. i watch her doze off and think of the year and a half old baby that passed a couple of weeks ago. i look into my daughters face and think how lucky i am to have her. i look at her face and try to see her as a girl and then as a woman. i think of the paths her life may take and pray she lives long and well, and has a peaceful death. the last of which i pray i will be long gone for but waiting for her when it is her time to join me. I think she has fallen asleep, tears running down my cheeks i pet her hair, kiss her forehead and say "i love you". eyes still closed she rolls over and dreamily says "i love you too, mama" a moment so perfect you want to catch it in a jar and save it forever. or at least until the next day when she is raging again. this is where my brain goes at the drop of a hat. and all i wanted was a goldfish.