New Old Friend

It has been surprisingly liberating and wonderful to live without hair for the past week.

I think back on one week ago today and my hesitations about what the night was to bring. It is like having a baby, it seems like so long ago and I can remember what it was like to have hair but it is kind of abstract. This was not the most life changing thing I have done in my life but it was surely one of the most liberating and surprisingly empowering.

It was not just shaving my head either. It was also that I accomplished my goal of raising $3000 for St. Baldrick's. When I set that goal I thought it might be a little lofty and wondered if I was setting myself up for disappointment (I am competitive even with myself). Not only did I raise $3000 I passed that goal.

It was also not just shaving my head but doing it in public on a stage, in a crowded bar on St. Patrick's day with folks taking photos, and sticking microphones in my face as I do one of the most vulnerable things for me - exposing myself. Granted it was not nudity but it kind of felt like it. Maybe I can equate it to going topless. I have never been one to go topless in public (I am surprisingly physically modest) so I am only guessing.

Though during the cutting I did not get emotional except for one time, when the woman with the microphone asked me how much money I raised. For some reason that question choked me up. Other questions were "Why was I doing this?" answer - "Because it felt right." "Where did I hear about St. Baldrick's?" answer - "Emiliy MacBeth" I was a woman of few words that night but that one question got me. I can't quite figure out why. I can only guess that it brought me close to that thin part of me that thinks of all the children and families that are struck by cancer and other challenges.

Before, during and after being shorn I didn't know how I would look, if folks would judge or laugh. I kind of felt like I was in kindergarten on the first day of school. It was kind of terrifying but exciting at the same time. After they shaved my head, of which both of my children assisted, they put a salon hand mirror in from of my face. I was only able to see the left upper quadrant of my head when I looked down and said "OH, SHIT!" I was smiling but I was very overwhelmed. I was not able to look at it yet. My emotions had not caught up yet with what was going on around me and to me. Unfortunately one entire wall of the room I was in was mirrors so it took a good effort to keep from looking. About a half hour later after we had sat down and had something to eat I excused myself to the bathroom of the bar and grill to take my first real look. Surrounded by intoxicated women having random conversations I looked at myself for the first time top naked. A smile came over me as if I were meeting a new part of myself for the first time in that crowded bathroom.

A number of folks kindly tried to reassure me before the day of the event that it would go fine and it is no big deal. I understand thier perspective and intention but it is a big deal.

I strongly feel there are many things through out our lives that we dismiss as "not a big deal" when really if we stop we find that there is growth, or a lesson, or just plain beauty to be found in small (or big) events that can make amazing change. Not to sound cliche but we need to stop and smell the flowers, to experience all the experiences be it a rose, a stink flower, a pine tree or a compost pile. It is the accumulation of the little things, the "no big deals", that really make us who we are.

Last week I met an new old friend, me.