a jar full of honey

We came home today from a great night camping at the inlaws visiting, finding caterpillars, eating smores, getting quizzed on my vegetable identification, feeding the bunnies and shooting some guns (a secret pleasure of mine). We headed home early afternoon Sunday to hang out with our old neighbors that we miss. They were awesome and got great news that it isn't as far as we thought to go visit them so I hope next month or September to trot on down to really get more than a fleeting hour to see them.

As we get older I am realizing good folks that you connect with well are harder to find but when you do it is good.

When we did arrive home from the in-laws before our old neighbors showed up I noticed there was a bag on the table of gifts for our birthdays from old friends. Eggs, a mix CD (which is another one of my not so secret pleasures) another cd of pod casts and the cherry on top was ....... a jar of honey. nothing warms my soul than a present of a ball jar of honey.

I am suprised and pleased at the pleasure I get from a jar of honey.

Oh, how I love my jar of honey.

I smile when I am sad and cry when I am happy

These are two manifestations of emotion that I have had a hard time explaining to my children. They seem like oxymoron's to them but make perfect sense to me.

This past Tuesday after class four a lovely couple asked me if I were available to be their doula this fall. I politely told them I am on sabbatical for an unknown amount of time. I could see through her body language slightly deflate at my answer. They were just the kind of couple I would hope would ask me to be their doula. We continued to chat a bit and I felt myself thinking about making an exception, then keeping my boundaries, then thinking they would be great clients, then keeping my boundaries, then..... this continued in my head into the drive home and into the next morning. I was sad about having to say no but I knew it was for the best. I smiled in my sadness because sometimes good things and sad things come together.

Today is my birthday. This morning my lovely children greeted me with hugs and love. My mom brought me coffee and breakfast in bed. I GOT TO READ IN BED FOR A HALF HOUR! I had a house full of amazing women all day with kids running around like crazy banshees. My wonderful husband got me a great book on preserving food. It is the greatest birthday ever but it all started with me getting out of bed and putting my two feet firmly on the floor, having the strong feeling that today is the start of something new. I don't know what that new is but I am open, ready and willing to ride this pony wherever it takes me. Today I cry because I am happy and so very blessed.

Order all I want is order.

I feel my garage is a physical manifestation of my brain. That is not good.

There is chaos, clutter, saved items for "someday" - oh my goodness it is my nightmare.

My brain feels the same - chaos, clutter, holding on to old ideas, habits, perceptions.

It is time to clean house and gray matter. I am starting to believe in simplifying. That things can wait until later, it all does not have to come now or be now. I don't have to hold on to things with the idea that it will make my goals and ideas come sooner. The things that are reminders don't usually help but hinder my well being by reminding me that I am not doing or being that at this time because really it just can't all be at the same time.

I would love to be everything I ever want to be RIGHT NOW but if I were to try to do that (as I have been trying) the toll is too high for the now.

So today I am taking things from my garage to the recycle center. Finding homes for stuff we don't need. Setting up boundaries in my work life and personal life. Finding value in myself everyday and forgiving myself when I mess up. I am great just the way I am today even though I am not all I want to be today, today I am all I should be.