in just a few days i will be driving states to st. louis for a training and spending 4 nights along in a hotel room.

the lasts time i spent more than a day away from my family (which is usually for a birth) was when sam was 2.5 years old and i was working from sun up 'til sin down for credits for massage school and that was 4 days. Donn and i together have spent only one night away from our kids and that was when sam was 2 and it ended up only being for 18 hours. and the last and only real vacation we have taken since we have been married was when sam was 2, up in traverse city with my brother, his wife and my mom.

the thought of being away for almost 5 days by myself and knowing i will have down time is exciting and nerve wracking. tonight i was thinking about the last time i was able to let my mind stop, i could not come up with "the last time". it has always been buzzing with thoughts of the kids, work, money, school, money, donn, dinner, laundry, bills, to do lists, etc. so many times i have wanted to shut off and run away just to hear my own thoughts.

very rarely do i get the house to myself but when i do it is amazing- i feel normal again even if just for an hour. but a hotel room to myself for 4 nights- no screaming children, grumpy grown ups, everyday drama, the laundry will not be looking at me, and the bills will not me call for me- what will i do? stop. breathe.

i know i will miss my family very much with an ache in my heart for them. but now i miss myself and my thoughts. the simple things that get lost in the craziness of a struggling young family.

i was a creature that loved my quiet time, preferring it to socializing with others. now i crave interaction with others, "adult time", but more i crave my quiet alone time.

i am looking forward to it but with hesitation.

MARBLES!!

My grandmother was the marbles champion of Minnesota when she was a young girl. I remember growing up and admiring the plastic trophy she displayed in her living room with the winning marble in it still. She and I would play in on her floor at family gatherings. I have two boy cousins and my brother so often I was left with nothing to do.
The kids and I went and had lunch with my grandparents, who are 90 and 87 now. I asked my grandmother what the rules of marbles were and she could not remember. I really want to teach Sam so here is what I found.
ANYONE UP FOR A NIGHT OF MARBLES AND BEER? (I need practice too)
(and yes, there is a for real competitive tournament http://marbles-american.org/default.htm)

AMERICAN MARBLES RINGER RULES

Midwife at Auschwitz

The following an amazing and inspiring story of Stanislawa Leszczynska. It is disturbing to read but portrays strength, conviction and hope in the face of hell and despair. I am so lucky and blessed for my children, the life I have been given and the opportunity to do the work I do.

This is not just a story it really happened.

Midwife at Auschwitz

today is my birthday. i am 32 although i do not feel a year older because i have been thinking i am 32 for most of the last year. so i am just 32 again.
it was a day of catching fish in a net, leeches in a bucket and sunburned cheeks. ella got stung form picking up a dead bee- poor nugget.
my dad took me out to joes crab shack (my choice since the kids were with me and donn had school). it was good although i found out the hard way that if you go to joes crab shack for your birthday they make you have you put on a hat, hawaiian shirt and hoola hoop in front of the whoel restaurant as they sing you happy birthday. it was very painful and my dad took photos.

"Responsibility is an invitation to give what you can because you can. Compassion is the art of pure feeling. Friendship is meeting yourself in another form and holding on. "
-taken from Little Big Minds by Marietta McCarty

"Loving friendships provide us with a space to experience the joy of community in a relationship where we can learn to process all our issues, to cope with differences and conflict while staying connected"
-Bell Hooks, All About Love (quoted in Little Big Minds)

Philosophy and children a natural match. Children are still able to look at the world in such a way to make philosophizing a natural event rather than forced or uncomfortable. Being able to talk about death, love, god, friendship matter of factly without the hang ups and the baggage that we as grown ups usually do. Really most grown ups just don't.

In homeschooling my children I have struggled int he past year to figure out what is the right path for me and my children. Traditional formats I have found (from Sonlight to Oak Meadow) do not work as I am scattered and cannot adhere to a set curriculum. By my personality free flow order I found works best and the kids like it too. but it needed a focus. I am a thinker, analyzer, obsessive person- which if not tamed could be my down fall, but harnessing it into something that could help my children grow and thrive in this culture could be a great gift.

I was beginning to lose hope on finding a path that worked for us. But a client of mine mentioned this book at an appointment- Little Big Minds. She had hear the author interviewed on NPR a day previous and thought of me immediately. She, being an educator her self, has credit in my book as someone who might know a thing or two about the subject of teaching kids.

I ordered the book and it sat for a couple of weeks on my desk and on my to do list. I picked it up last night and read the intro and browsed through the book in it entirety and I love it. I cannot wait to jump in and play around with it with my kids.

It is not a format or curriculum. It is just a way of looking at the world and how to apply it to children. The biggest thing with me and my kids in their younger years is I don't know how to relate to them. I know that sounds odd but I am not a good "player'. Meaning I don't play well. I try to work on it but little kids and me are a challenge.

I was chatting with someone recently about this and she shared with me that generally there aree two types. Those who are good with their kids when they are young and not so much when they are older and the opposite. I am the opposite.

This book is opening my eyes to how to engage with my super chatty son and maybe how to reign in my fiery daughter. Also it seems to open my eyes to step out of survival mode of parenting/working/life and "be" with my kids and others.

i finally down loaded my photos which oddly i hate doing. i am convinced i am doing it the most difficult way possible. but i have pictures to share.

first i will share my evening. i had a barter thing going on tonight of massage for reiki. during the massage or reiki, i dont remember, he had mentioned this modality called gwa-sha . it sounded interesting and he offered for me to come over after the reiki trade and he would work on my back. it was very painful but my back feels great after. on the side i look like i have been dragged on my back behind a truck.as i mentioned a few posts ago we put in a pond a couple of weeks ago. now it has plants, tadpoles, fish and more rocks but i do av a picture of the first night after we made it. i will take pictures of how it looks now ans post them later.

it looks even better with all the plants and stuff. if you are in town stop by and check it out!!

another development this week that i found interesting- i went back to the dr. whom had terrible bedside manner and freaked me out a bit, triggering a whole bunch of old shit. in this visit my blood work was fine (not dying of anything that the blood tests and a bit off pee can see) and i asked him about homeopathics (this is why i go to him - the only dr. covered by my ins that knows homeopathics) , constitutional remedies to be exact. i have been interested in what my constitutional remedy is, due to my moodiness, joint issues, anxiety and ______ (anyone who knows me can fill in the blank with something that could be fixed, i am sure). Upon asking he pegged me immediately as calcarea carbonica (calc carb). described as -

This remedy is made from calcium carbonate, which is derived from the oyster shell. The type of person needing this remedy is quiet, cautious and very sensitive. Generally they are very healthy and enthusiastic in their work. In contrast, when they become ill, they become introspective and lacking motivation.

The Calc. carb type is generally plump, chilly and under-active. Perhaps due to a slow metabolism, they are sluggish and have a shy contemplative nature. They tend to be unambitious and non-competitive and are great procrastinators. They lack confidence and avoid responsibility.

They can have a big appetite with a liking for sweets, cakes and eggs and be overweight. They are easily tired and can suffer with head sweats or joint abnormalities.

Weak areas of the body include the bones and teeth, bowels, ears, nose and throat, glands and skin

Calc. carb is often used to treat back and joint pains, headaches, ear or eye infections, eczema, thrush, digestion, PMS.

this might explain my dr.'s obsession with my weight. i dont fit the description all around but when i took it the next day it was like someone gave me an antidepressant. it is pretty neat. i am feeling different in a good way. like someone cleared a layer of sludge off my brain. unfortunately i cannot take any remedies for at least a week after taking the calc carb 1M so no arnica 200 for my back which was a bummer today. but i would rather feel like being nice to my kids and have back pain than the other way around.

these are our geckos having sex-

our cool sandcastle-

my daughter :)

chinese labor herbs from a birth a couple of months ago-


that is the photo update from whooville. ;)