Wading Thru My Head

in just a few days i will be driving states to st. louis for a training and spending 4 nights along in a hotel room.

the lasts time i spent more than a day away from my family (which is usually for a birth) was when sam was 2.5 years old and i was working from sun up 'til sin down for credits for massage school and that was 4 days. Donn and i together have spent only one night away from our kids and that was when sam was 2 and it ended up only being for 18 hours. and the last and only real vacation we have taken since we have been married was when sam was 2, up in traverse city with my brother, his wife and my mom.

the thought of being away for almost 5 days by myself and knowing i will have down time is exciting and nerve wracking. tonight i was thinking about the last time i was able to let my mind stop, i could not come up with "the last time". it has always been buzzing with thoughts of the kids, work, money, school, money, donn, dinner, laundry, bills, to do lists, etc. so many times i have wanted to shut off and run away just to hear my own thoughts.

very rarely do i get the house to myself but when i do it is amazing- i feel normal again even if just for an hour. but a hotel room to myself for 4 nights- no screaming children, grumpy grown ups, everyday drama, the laundry will not be looking at me, and the bills will not me call for me- what will i do? stop. breathe.

i know i will miss my family very much with an ache in my heart for them. but now i miss myself and my thoughts. the simple things that get lost in the craziness of a struggling young family.

i was a creature that loved my quiet time, preferring it to socializing with others. now i crave interaction with others, "adult time", but more i crave my quiet alone time.

i am looking forward to it but with hesitation.