my trip

It has been a week since I got home from my trip and much has happened. So only now do I feel like writing.
When I got home it was like a whirlwind of activity. My mother in law had come down to help with the kids while I was gone. I got home Wednesday night and my father in law came out Thursday night to pick her up and to see the kids. They spent the night (Donn and I went to go see HP and the power went out right at the good part at the end) Friday morning we took the kids out to get toys a t the Five and Dime for their birthday's. The bean's birthday was that Friday and they were making up for missing the monkey's bday. My brother and his family came out Friday morning to spend the night so we could take them to the airport Saturday early afternoon- they were moving to Florida. That in itself is kind of weird. The build up to their departure was hard on my mom but now that it is behind up things seem to be mellowing out. My in laws, who are just great I must say, left Friday afternoon. That Sunday I taught from 1-5 then had a consult that evening. Then Monday morning the monkey started his 2 week art and drama camp. 9-5 M-F for 2 weeks. Crazy. Good to have time alone with the bean. She is napping all of a sudden. She needs the break.
Monday news came that a family friends daughter who has been fighting leukemia since January had passed. She was just a baby. They had taken her home for hospice care on Friday. It was very sad.
Tuesday and Wednesday I was really ill but still taught. I love Advil cold and sinus. Tuesday night was really bad- hardly got a wink of sleep. Wednesday the bean was kind of on her own and she did a job of trashing the family room :) but she let mama nap and take a long bath to try to get rid of the snots. Doing good now.
Went grocery shopping for the first time in a few weeks today. Cleaned out the fridge and the pantry (much needed) and the bean is napping.
So, the trip. The drive was long but nice. I only got kind of antsy since from Chicago to St. Louis there is A LOT of corn fields. I listened to Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys on books on CD. I had two other books but the one got me down there and a third of the way back.
I was very excited to get to the hotel although it was very busy- two weddings, a hs reunion and a family reunion were going on. I was lucky enough to have my own room for the trip. I looked into room sharing but my only option was to share a 2 king room with 3 other women i did not know. The organization I work for paid for the room and the woman I work with said that she would not ask me to do anything she would not do and she would not share a room with 3 other women she did not know. It was really nice to have a room to myself. I had a wee anxiety attack the first hour or so being away form my family. But my dear lovely friend Chucki who lives in St. Louis invited me to come out and meet him and two friends he had in visiting from Chicago for sushi and wine. It was so good to see Chucki. I don't think I had seen him since the monkey was born. Chucki was the first friend to come over and meet the monkey- he brought me tapioca pudding that day ;). Chucki lives in the cutest neighborhood, the architecture was beautiful. My goal is to get the whole family down to visit him sometime soon. That was a highlight of the trip.
Sunday morning I slept in, took my time getting up and ready for the day. I went walking around looking for the conference- found it and decided to go back to my room to read a great book a good friend had sent me the week before I left- The Gypsy Chronicles. It turns out the author lives in my town. I read for a bit then ended up meditating for over an hour. I have not been able to do that in years. It was great to just let my mind go.
Sunday at 2pm the training began. It went until 9pm Sunday. Then Monday 8am to 9pm and Tuesday 8am to 9pm and Wednesday 8am to noon. Then home I drove again.
The training was good. It was the third time I have sat through a Doula training (part of the trainer training is to sit in on others teaching a doula training). This one was taught by Kathy McGrath and Penny Simkin (a big name in the birth world). Kathy has a background as a social worker so she crafted emotional work into the training that I thought was very interesting. Penny is in her late 60's I would say, short and very spunky. I learned a lot about my work and even more about myself on this trip. The second night I was really missing my family. Fortunately the training kept me busy.
Some of the emotional work that came with the training brought up some things that I was not aware of. Well, maybe I was but I did not understand how much it was weighing on me. One activity was to think of a time that you needed to ask for help then you had to tell it to the person you were paired up with. The training is mostly women and many of us had a hard time admitting when we needed help. It was a two way activity of understanding how difficult it is for some to ask for help then also of active listening. There were a few other activities of this sort that led up to an activity called the ideal birth. In this activity you draw or write what your ideal birth would be. Mine was to have Donn be the primary person with me and to have some good friends in the house with me. It was not traditional as most- others were more specific of type of care provider, h2o birth, whatever.
This activity hit a chord with me. Although the beans birth by all means was perfect, there were some missing points. One in particular is that I really wanted Donn to be with me- I never asked that of him because I thought he didn't want to be there. Now I know that he would have been there for me and been great if I just asked. But where we were at that time was not the best place for such communication. I really wanted him there for me. I didn't feel the support that I wanted in that pregnancy from those close to me. Even with my midwives I thought it was lacking. I remember my midwife complaining that she had a headache when she did the newborn exam. They were only there 3 hours. (i didn't call them until right before she came out) It really is true that moms remember little details from their births. It was mostly because I didn't ask for what I needed. I don't even know if I knew for sure what I wanted- but I think I just wanted to have it feel special. I was to busy being polite instead of asking for what I wanted.
I know I should be content that the birth was straight forward and the bean is fine. I do feel guilty about critiquing how it went and how I wish it could have been. It does lead to a bigger picture though. One thing is how I communicate with Donn- I think it really would have made a difference in many things if I just told him that I needed him and that I wanted him to be there for me. It makes me think about those close to me in the big picture and how these relationships function.
Another light bulb that went off on this trip is that I am by nature a pretty quiet person. In having kids I have forced myself to be more social and chatty- which makes me more crazy, hyper sensitive and anxious. I like things simple and slow. I like to be in my head. I told Donn about this when I got home and his response was equivalent to- DUH (he concurred that I changed in being a mother).
It was bizarre to be away from my family for that time. It was nice to put a wedge in running on auto pilot trend that I have been functioning in for way too long. It was wonderful to come home though. The drive home was long but good- going in the right direction. It gave me a great appreciation for the trees in Michigan. It also makes me want to move to the K-zoo area from mid state to the west side of the state. I have friends that are planning on moving to K-zoo, I would love to live near them.
Arthur is over and now the bean and I are going for a walk.