i wanna talk about it

i remember when i went on my first outing alone after the monkey was born- it was to target for an hour. i remember walking aimlessly through the isles seeing the world through a new lens. in my head i could not stop thinking "dont these people understand i just brought forth life through my body" "all these people were once little nuggets like mine at home" "life is fucking insane".

tonight, halloween, i was teaching and could not get it out of my head "these folks dont know i just watched my grandfather die" "life is so simple if you stop trying so hard" "yall are going to die someday". it seems another lens has been added to my collection.

then the entire drive home i was thinking about my grandfather and what he looked like after he died. he was semi reclined, his head tilted to the right, eyes closed and mouth open. my step mother was very bothered that we did not close his mouth but i know if i tried to close it i would obsess about keeping it closed and the position he was in i didnt think it would stay closed until rigamortis started to set in. it reminded me of the many holocaust photos i have seen of the dead. i could not help but picture myself in that position- dead that is. the color draining from my face, skin getting slack and droopy, mouth open, eyes closed just sitting there- dead.

I just want to talk about these things. birth life death. it is all so very weird.