a new year

it has been a hard, stressful, amazing, busy, painful year.

my children have grown and are becoming amazing people. many babies have come into my life this year most professionally but also some wonderful friends have joined the ranks of parent hood this year. it was a year of loss on both sides of our family and life changing events. both of our lives have been busy with work and school (a wonderful change and hope for a satisfying future and feeding a passion for big daddy). we have bent to the changes that have come our way with strength as a unit and as individuals.

i am blessed for all i have and welcome this new year with an open mind and an open heart for all it has to offer.

mad at discovery channel

for those of you who has on demand please do this test for me.
go to discovery health
go to pregnancy
watch the 2 minute piece on epidurals
then watch the 8 minute piece on "natural chldbirth"

*spoiler*
nothing to surprising about the epidural one

BIG FAT BUT
the natual childbirth one went from this mom wanting to have a natural birth 1)laboring in bed to 2) having pre eclampsia and needing mag sulph to 3)getting some drug i think ( i was livid at this point) to the vaginal birth and then4) talking about her tearing and the 6 week recover of the trauma (mind you epidural moms do tear also but they didnt mention it). wtf?

i immediately got on the discovery channel site and emailed them my disgust that the biased promotion of societal dysfunction. please if you feel as i do email them and get that shit of the cable airwaves.

tonight

i believe in santa. and i hope it lasts ..... i am tired of being a grown up.

scrooge

i must admit it is a scrooge year this year for me. i am trying to pull myself up from my bootstraps but it is an effort.

i am looking forward to tonight - getting ready for santas arrival. this is the first year the bean is really understanding what is going on. it is really cool actually.

most of the shopping/gift preparing is done. i am very excited to give my dad and his wife their gift. we get pretty creative with them and i think i topped the list this year.

i think this is the last year we will be getting away with the easy christmas. i think next year the monkey may get more creative in trying to see or get record of evidence of santas arrival. i have hear of parents having to get very creative fulfilling their childs need to have proof. rigging video cameras, bells on the roof (yes i know of someone who did that) and many more elaborate deeds. the monkey tried to go that route this year- video camera but i nixed it. maybe next year with some planning it could be a cool addition to the spirit of the season.

off to give the xmess eve bath- cant be taking stinky kids to grandpas house now can we?

disbelief

i am looking at 80-ish pages of weight that i will be leaving on this desk to be mailed out tomorrow by a lovely lady- then in a few weeks hopefully i will hear that i am totally done with this nightmare certification.

really it was not that the certification was a nightmare it was that the timing was a nightmare. i decided..... no I did not decide- circumstance decided that i would be doing these two certifications at the same time while 1. working 2. running a household of four and 3. homeschooling my kids. not to mention there have been two deaths in the family this fall. this past year has seemed like a mad scramble... kind of like an hour and a half labor where the mom asks you to stay postpartum an extra 6 hours because she just cannot catch up to what happened to her. professionally this past year has been on super fast forward. i am so blessed and lucky for the opportunities that have come my way but it has taken its toll. i am ready for a respite on this climb up the mountain.

after this i have the 50 essay question take home exam to finish and have in the mail by 1/4/08 for my other certification. then after that is approved- one more module and i am done with that certification.

then i go for the neonatal resuscitation certification 1/12/08.

then i am done with any certifications for at least a year.

after all this i will be Miss Thang, CMT, CD(DONA), CBE

haywired

there is a misconception about me, being that i am a birth worker folks assume that i like hanging out with little babies.

now i am not anti-baby i am just much more comfortable around babies when their mother is around. or father for that matter. holding a fussy or crying baby sends crazy stress triggers through my body making me very tense.

i love holding newborns especially within the first few hours. i find it fascinating. but beyond that i know i do not have what they need now what they want and i really honor that.

now if the mom or dad really NEEDED a break because they were about to go postal or have a breakdown i can step up to the plate with flying colors because at that time although the baby thinks being with mommy is the best place on the planet i know that it is not. i am good with that.

i dont get the baby itch. i never had a burning need to be/get pregnant. i never had a great draw to them as a young person so i must come to the conclusion that i am just not wired as such. i did ok in my childrens baby years, in a survival sense, but i would win no awards i will tell you that now. i was blessed that i decided to breastfeed - i think that was my saving grace. i loved my kids as babies but it was definitely not our strong point in the parenting path.

we are now finding that we (donn and i) are just more suited to the older child. the questioner, the thinker, the kids who do the darndest things. i am good with that.

ask and ye shall receive

so i prayed for some clients and they came calling. yay. perfect timing with the holidays. there is something about the simple magic of the universe that amazes me sometimes.

today we tried to make "ginger bread" houses out of graham crackers and the like and they ended up looking more like post katrina ginger bread houses. but the kids had messy fin so all is well.

yesterday i sent off the ever dreaded outline project for proofing. so far it looks good i think. it will soon be sent for the official stamp of approval and out of my mind for a bit. a year long headache done!

the other big project has at least been started and i have chosen to take a new out look of "it is not the end of the world". if i send it in and get it back for revisions so be it. but i am a freaky anal perfectionist at times so this is a lesson in letting go.

the bean tonight was afraid of the monsters and big daddy and she got into a discussion of how zombies actually cannot open doors because they do the (the bean demonstrates) arms out forward with the "uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh" sound. so we are safe along with the anti monster dust we have ever where.

i recently signed up for online bill pay. i was against it for a ling time. there is something about physically sending a bill out that made me feel better. i must say though since doing this bills are so much easier although i have not mastered the balancing method yet. i had a great balancing method before (not perfect but it was a method) and finding mew rituals for chores is not an easy change.

speaking of i need to go work on my new ritual.

i covet

tonight i almost bought this. the 20 year old boy from toledo was so adorable and a great sales man. i even agreed to the "great deal" $40/mo $0 down for ......... $1086 total. yes i agreed and then came to my frugal self. i was almost hte owner of a freaking kick ass vaccume and much more. i so still want this vaccume (and so does big daddy) it is amazing. i want. i want. i want. ok, i feel better now.

part of me is happy i didn't but the other part of me is so sadd i did not. they vaccumed the monkeys bed, the stairs, the rig..... amazing and the mechanic of it made sense compared to our current vaccume that now blow a fuse every time you use it.

and did i tell you that this sales boy was trying ot get an all expense paid trip to Chicago. oh i feel so bad. but even after i pulled the plug he was sweet and told me i was the nicest customer they had had and gave me a hug. he was adorable with a great laugh.

i am mourning over te loss of the vaccumei never owned. someday i will own this lovely wonder. and i so very much hope that sweet boy gets to chicago.

teeth

teeth teeth everywhere. my sweet monkey is growing up.

Thich Nhat Hahn

Thay's 14 Precepts:

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Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth.

Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout our entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.

Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.

Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. find ways to be with those who are suffering by all means, including personal contact and visits, images, sound. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.

Do not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry. Do not take as the aim of you life fame, profit, wealth, or sensual pleasure. Live simply and share time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need.

Do not maintain anger or hatred. As soon as anger and hatred arise, practice the meditation on compassion in order to deeply understand the persons who have caused anger and hatred. Learn to look at other beings with the eyes of compassion.

Do not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings. Learn to practice breathing in order to regain composure of body and mind, to practice mindfulness, and to develop concentration and understanding.

Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

Do not say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest of to impress people. Do not utter words that cause diversion and hatred. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. Do not criticize or condemn things you are not sure of. Always speak truthfully and constructively. Have the courage to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten your own safety.

Do not use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit, or transform your community into a political party. A religious community should, however, take a clear stand against oppression and injustice, and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.

Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. Do not invest in companies that deprive others of their chance to life. Select a vocation which helps realize your ideal compassion.

Do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find whatever means possible to protect life and to prevent war.

Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others but prevent others from enriching themselves from human suffering or the suffering of other beings.

Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only and instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realization of the Way. Sexual expression should not happen without love and commitment. In sexual relationships be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings.

Do not believe that I feel that I follow each and every of these precepts perfectly. I know I fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any of these. However, I must work toward a goal. These are my goal. No words can replace practice, only practice can make the words.

"The finger pointing at the moon is not the moon."

off call

i am off call for the first time in ages. it is an odd and wonderful feeling. just the gray cloud that i would carry everyday of the possible call that i would have to drop my life on a dime. it is amazing the stress that gets built up if you do it long enough. feeling like i am always working even thought i am not technically. tied to my cell phone. feeling like i cannot do certain things in fear that i will get called in the middle. i have had two other separate birth working on call folk bring up these same points to me since i have brought up that i am off call. this realization makes me feel better about what i charge to be on call. i was questioning it but being able to step back and see how being on call effects myself and my family puts it in perspective.

i am a night person and never feel like i can stay up just in case i get called. i get most things done in the late night- i am the productive owl. i feel like i can stay up and relax with my amazing and supportive husband. plan for the next day knowing i will be present to execute (or attempt to execute) my plans for the day.

i love what i do but i do need to have more intentional off call periods. because i was getting to the point where i wanted to flush my cell phone down the toilet and move north to live in my yurt on jerky and yogurt.