Death is so interesting

tonight i watched my grandfather die.

early this morning he had a heart attack and was dnr but the ems missed it. so he ended up on a ventilator until hospice could be processed hours later. when i got there he was doped out on morphine he had awoke earlier that afternoon/late morning for about 20 mins. freaked out that he was in the hospital with a tube down his throat (the one thing he did not want after his year of issues and close calls back in 2004). my grandmother, dad, step mom, aunt and uncle were there when i arrived. a bit later my sister in law showed up (my brother is in spain) after a bit they all left to eat and get a bit of rest but my sister in law and myself stayed. after an hour or so of my sister in law rambling on about herself and her new house and .... anyway his lungs stopped and all his organs shut down. i saw it happening as she was talking i stood up she stopped he died.

everyone arrived back to the room about 20 minutes later. it was interesting to be in that room for that 20 minutes with his body. still, slowly changing color from tan and pink to pale yellow. he looked heavy not really sleeping but waiting for him to startle or gasp. he was still warm but over time his ears got cold. he had the softest hair. i knew he was not there but i wanted to touch him and console him as if he were. maybe i thought of it as if it were a channel to wherever he had gone.

when everyone did return- my grandmother was relieved it was over and a peaceful passing for him. and my dad and aunt cope as they do best by talking and planning... for the next tow hours. they did end up kicking up out of the room before he started to funk.

i realize i am much better witnessing death than thinking about it.

when i did get upset it was most always when thinking about my grandmother. her living on without him. her having this suffering with my grandfather over the past few years with his poor health. her having to watch him die. most all of these were way too close with my fear of losing my husband and best friend, be it now or when we are 90.

i have fought really allowing myself to be really close to my husband (ie. me pushing him away, being a bitch etc.) for years and only recently have i really given into the vulnerability of truly allowing myself to love him. it has been hard and scary. if i held him (or anyone really ) at arms length when they die my rational was that it would be easier. stupid rational - i know. now i love him with all my heart without reservation and have panic attacks about him having a heart attack or some other demise almost weekly.

now at least i can think of my grandmother if one day i have to wake up knowing the love of my life is gone. i will not be alone and i will be so blessed for having him for the time i did.

death is so interesting.