Today is a new day. And that damn Ego.

I taught interventions in my childbirth ed. classes last night. It is a hard two and a half hours to see the light bulbs go off and the fear and shock grow on their faces like trapped animals. Luckily the next two weeks of class helps empower and relieve all that yucky stuff.

I would like to sit in on other childbirth ed. classes that cater to the epidural crowd. What do they teach? Or are they as honest as me but all the attending couples so stuck in fear they have their ear muffs on that they cannot even hear the alternative of trying to do it without getting hte epidural in the parking lot.

So, I have been having my ego struggle lately. The problem with having midwives as friends is the ever feeling not cool enough. The "I'm just a childbirth educator" or "I am just a doula". Intellectually I know that what I do is very important. I fill a huge gap that our culture has in the reproductive years. I love thinking about it and with the kid of work I do I can reach a lot of people and get them to look at things different so maybe they will hire a doula or have a midwife attended birth at the hospital or at home for their normal healthy pregnancy. Giving them confidence in their bodies and their ability to get through birth. BUT my ego sneaks in and whispers "but your not a midwife." Damn you little monster in my head. Intellectually I know I do not want to be a midwife right now and honestly I do not know what the future will hold for me. My husband is working full time and in school full time (so freaking cool! and i am so proud of him). I do want to stay home and homeschool my kids for now (although many think i am crazy). My "career" can come later (whatever that may be) and I am ok with that but that damn ego. Maybe my path is to train women to be doulas, or get into academics, or to follow my husband all over the world while he studies rare new species.

Honestly I was looking at jewelers benches on line last night. I will stay in birth work but I want balance back. For balance I need time. I want to play with fire and metal and create again.

Right now I just need some Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smiley.