The Unspeakable.

Yesterday was one of those days for no apparent reason. I can speculate that it was the post holiday hangover. I had gotten very used to Big Daddy being home and us hanging out as a family. It was awesome! Also all of our big plans have come and gone, nothing is yet planned for 2010 for me to look forward to. So it is back to the daily routine - kids by day, work by night, husband in the cracks between. That is depressing.

There are days that every parent would like to check out. Heck there are weeks every parent would like to check out. Isn't the old saying 'it is the hardest job you will ever love'. Or something like that. Well I am also here to say it can also be the hardest job you will ever hate. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and love the life we have made with them but honestly I need to be able to say that. Especially as a homeschooler it is unrelenting and there are days I wish I could take a sick day, crawl into bed with a good book and a box of cookies and nap the day away. They are not that often but the do exist (especially in the winter in Michigan).

Now as a homeschooler I feel like I am not allowed to vent about
1. being an overwhelmed parent
2. not having enough free time
3. not having enough time with my partner
4. being occasionally financially tight

The common response to these ventings (an we all need to vent now and then) is
"Have you thought of putting your kids in school? It may make things easier?"
or
"Well you have made choices to get you here. You need to deal with it."

Upon hearing these my brain screams
"OF COURSE I HAVE THOUGHT OF IT! AND NO IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! And I really don't think it would be easier, just a more acceptable set of complaints to talk to you about."
and
"You suck. I am never talking to you again."

I must say there are blogs I would love to follow, although I won't list them here. They are so sweet and creative ans snazzy looking but when it comes down to it they make me feel like shit. The mom I am not and never could be. I am a chaotic mom heading in 10,000 directions, a reluctant unschooler who can hardly remember to brush her teeth. I look at the beautiful pictures of the felting crafts, kids making drums out of everyday stuff, making stamps outo f potatoes, it is all so lovely...almost like it is staged. I am not saying it is staged but I have to remind myself that the blogger is painting a picture of their life and there is a lot more to the picture. They get crabby, they have temper tantrums, they fart, they have bad hair days and I am sure their house is not always that sparkly clean.

I am not here to paint a pretty picture, although pretty pictures do have their place - I love to look at them, I am here to finger paint with pudding, mud and sometmes blood. Many days I have thought of the movie The Hours (a great movie) in which there is a mother who checks out and leaves her family instead of killing herself. I can assure you I could not ever do that but some days I can relate to the Laura character who suffers from inner turmoil as a mother.

Over the holidays my awesome mother in law shared with me that there was a time that she was ready to check out from her family. She longed to be a mother her whole life and had her babies as soon as she could and very close together. She wanted a huge family but couldn't for heath reasons but she did end up with four in all. It was a breath of fresh air to hear her say that she had her crap times too. That it was not all roses and sunshine.

Many women of her generation seem to wax poetic about their childrearing years. I know it is easier to remember the good stuff but that kind of washed out legacy does no favor to us who are in the thick of parenting. I hope I remember to tell my kids about the good and the bad and that they are awesome even on their worst days as parents (if they choose to be parents). The fact that we stick around through the crap and love them although we may not like them that makes us great not the rosie painting of the day, potato stamps and homemade cupcakes.