a new year

it has been a hard, stressful, amazing, busy, painful year.

my children have grown and are becoming amazing people. many babies have come into my life this year most professionally but also some wonderful friends have joined the ranks of parent hood this year. it was a year of loss on both sides of our family and life changing events. both of our lives have been busy with work and school (a wonderful change and hope for a satisfying future and feeding a passion for big daddy). we have bent to the changes that have come our way with strength as a unit and as individuals.

i am blessed for all i have and welcome this new year with an open mind and an open heart for all it has to offer.

mad at discovery channel

for those of you who has on demand please do this test for me.
go to discovery health
go to pregnancy
watch the 2 minute piece on epidurals
then watch the 8 minute piece on "natural chldbirth"

*spoiler*
nothing to surprising about the epidural one

BIG FAT BUT
the natual childbirth one went from this mom wanting to have a natural birth 1)laboring in bed to 2) having pre eclampsia and needing mag sulph to 3)getting some drug i think ( i was livid at this point) to the vaginal birth and then4) talking about her tearing and the 6 week recover of the trauma (mind you epidural moms do tear also but they didnt mention it). wtf?

i immediately got on the discovery channel site and emailed them my disgust that the biased promotion of societal dysfunction. please if you feel as i do email them and get that shit of the cable airwaves.

tonight

i believe in santa. and i hope it lasts ..... i am tired of being a grown up.

scrooge

i must admit it is a scrooge year this year for me. i am trying to pull myself up from my bootstraps but it is an effort.

i am looking forward to tonight - getting ready for santas arrival. this is the first year the bean is really understanding what is going on. it is really cool actually.

most of the shopping/gift preparing is done. i am very excited to give my dad and his wife their gift. we get pretty creative with them and i think i topped the list this year.

i think this is the last year we will be getting away with the easy christmas. i think next year the monkey may get more creative in trying to see or get record of evidence of santas arrival. i have hear of parents having to get very creative fulfilling their childs need to have proof. rigging video cameras, bells on the roof (yes i know of someone who did that) and many more elaborate deeds. the monkey tried to go that route this year- video camera but i nixed it. maybe next year with some planning it could be a cool addition to the spirit of the season.

off to give the xmess eve bath- cant be taking stinky kids to grandpas house now can we?

disbelief

i am looking at 80-ish pages of weight that i will be leaving on this desk to be mailed out tomorrow by a lovely lady- then in a few weeks hopefully i will hear that i am totally done with this nightmare certification.

really it was not that the certification was a nightmare it was that the timing was a nightmare. i decided..... no I did not decide- circumstance decided that i would be doing these two certifications at the same time while 1. working 2. running a household of four and 3. homeschooling my kids. not to mention there have been two deaths in the family this fall. this past year has seemed like a mad scramble... kind of like an hour and a half labor where the mom asks you to stay postpartum an extra 6 hours because she just cannot catch up to what happened to her. professionally this past year has been on super fast forward. i am so blessed and lucky for the opportunities that have come my way but it has taken its toll. i am ready for a respite on this climb up the mountain.

after this i have the 50 essay question take home exam to finish and have in the mail by 1/4/08 for my other certification. then after that is approved- one more module and i am done with that certification.

then i go for the neonatal resuscitation certification 1/12/08.

then i am done with any certifications for at least a year.

after all this i will be Miss Thang, CMT, CD(DONA), CBE

haywired

there is a misconception about me, being that i am a birth worker folks assume that i like hanging out with little babies.

now i am not anti-baby i am just much more comfortable around babies when their mother is around. or father for that matter. holding a fussy or crying baby sends crazy stress triggers through my body making me very tense.

i love holding newborns especially within the first few hours. i find it fascinating. but beyond that i know i do not have what they need now what they want and i really honor that.

now if the mom or dad really NEEDED a break because they were about to go postal or have a breakdown i can step up to the plate with flying colors because at that time although the baby thinks being with mommy is the best place on the planet i know that it is not. i am good with that.

i dont get the baby itch. i never had a burning need to be/get pregnant. i never had a great draw to them as a young person so i must come to the conclusion that i am just not wired as such. i did ok in my childrens baby years, in a survival sense, but i would win no awards i will tell you that now. i was blessed that i decided to breastfeed - i think that was my saving grace. i loved my kids as babies but it was definitely not our strong point in the parenting path.

we are now finding that we (donn and i) are just more suited to the older child. the questioner, the thinker, the kids who do the darndest things. i am good with that.

ask and ye shall receive

so i prayed for some clients and they came calling. yay. perfect timing with the holidays. there is something about the simple magic of the universe that amazes me sometimes.

today we tried to make "ginger bread" houses out of graham crackers and the like and they ended up looking more like post katrina ginger bread houses. but the kids had messy fin so all is well.

yesterday i sent off the ever dreaded outline project for proofing. so far it looks good i think. it will soon be sent for the official stamp of approval and out of my mind for a bit. a year long headache done!

the other big project has at least been started and i have chosen to take a new out look of "it is not the end of the world". if i send it in and get it back for revisions so be it. but i am a freaky anal perfectionist at times so this is a lesson in letting go.

the bean tonight was afraid of the monsters and big daddy and she got into a discussion of how zombies actually cannot open doors because they do the (the bean demonstrates) arms out forward with the "uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh" sound. so we are safe along with the anti monster dust we have ever where.

i recently signed up for online bill pay. i was against it for a ling time. there is something about physically sending a bill out that made me feel better. i must say though since doing this bills are so much easier although i have not mastered the balancing method yet. i had a great balancing method before (not perfect but it was a method) and finding mew rituals for chores is not an easy change.

speaking of i need to go work on my new ritual.

i covet

tonight i almost bought this. the 20 year old boy from toledo was so adorable and a great sales man. i even agreed to the "great deal" $40/mo $0 down for ......... $1086 total. yes i agreed and then came to my frugal self. i was almost hte owner of a freaking kick ass vaccume and much more. i so still want this vaccume (and so does big daddy) it is amazing. i want. i want. i want. ok, i feel better now.

part of me is happy i didn't but the other part of me is so sadd i did not. they vaccumed the monkeys bed, the stairs, the rig..... amazing and the mechanic of it made sense compared to our current vaccume that now blow a fuse every time you use it.

and did i tell you that this sales boy was trying ot get an all expense paid trip to Chicago. oh i feel so bad. but even after i pulled the plug he was sweet and told me i was the nicest customer they had had and gave me a hug. he was adorable with a great laugh.

i am mourning over te loss of the vaccumei never owned. someday i will own this lovely wonder. and i so very much hope that sweet boy gets to chicago.

teeth

teeth teeth everywhere. my sweet monkey is growing up.

Thich Nhat Hahn

Thay's 14 Precepts:

---

Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth.

Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout our entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.

Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.

Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. find ways to be with those who are suffering by all means, including personal contact and visits, images, sound. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.

Do not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry. Do not take as the aim of you life fame, profit, wealth, or sensual pleasure. Live simply and share time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need.

Do not maintain anger or hatred. As soon as anger and hatred arise, practice the meditation on compassion in order to deeply understand the persons who have caused anger and hatred. Learn to look at other beings with the eyes of compassion.

Do not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings. Learn to practice breathing in order to regain composure of body and mind, to practice mindfulness, and to develop concentration and understanding.

Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

Do not say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest of to impress people. Do not utter words that cause diversion and hatred. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. Do not criticize or condemn things you are not sure of. Always speak truthfully and constructively. Have the courage to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten your own safety.

Do not use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit, or transform your community into a political party. A religious community should, however, take a clear stand against oppression and injustice, and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.

Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. Do not invest in companies that deprive others of their chance to life. Select a vocation which helps realize your ideal compassion.

Do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find whatever means possible to protect life and to prevent war.

Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others but prevent others from enriching themselves from human suffering or the suffering of other beings.

Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only and instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realization of the Way. Sexual expression should not happen without love and commitment. In sexual relationships be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings.

Do not believe that I feel that I follow each and every of these precepts perfectly. I know I fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any of these. However, I must work toward a goal. These are my goal. No words can replace practice, only practice can make the words.

"The finger pointing at the moon is not the moon."

off call

i am off call for the first time in ages. it is an odd and wonderful feeling. just the gray cloud that i would carry everyday of the possible call that i would have to drop my life on a dime. it is amazing the stress that gets built up if you do it long enough. feeling like i am always working even thought i am not technically. tied to my cell phone. feeling like i cannot do certain things in fear that i will get called in the middle. i have had two other separate birth working on call folk bring up these same points to me since i have brought up that i am off call. this realization makes me feel better about what i charge to be on call. i was questioning it but being able to step back and see how being on call effects myself and my family puts it in perspective.

i am a night person and never feel like i can stay up just in case i get called. i get most things done in the late night- i am the productive owl. i feel like i can stay up and relax with my amazing and supportive husband. plan for the next day knowing i will be present to execute (or attempt to execute) my plans for the day.

i love what i do but i do need to have more intentional off call periods. because i was getting to the point where i wanted to flush my cell phone down the toilet and move north to live in my yurt on jerky and yogurt.

the aftermath

lovely dinner with A LOT of leftovers.

making the carcass into broth and making turkey schmaltz. now with that i will make a variation of this recipe

Griessnockerlsuppe

Beef Broth with semolina Dumplings

Servings: 12

SEMOLINA DUMPLINGS (24):

2 cups semolina flour, coarse

3 whole eggs

6 oz. soft butter (schmaltz)

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 pinch nutmeg

BEEF BROTH: (turkey broth)

5 lbs. beef bones

3 whole carrots

1 medium red onion

1/2 stalk celery

salt & peppercorns

bay leaves

chopped chives

SEMOLINA DUMPLINGS:

in a small bowl whisk the soft butter until creamy, add salt and nutmeg.

Add eggs one at a time. Make sure the mixture is creamy and airy.

Slowly add the semolina flour until all semolina is mixed with egg mixture.

Cover the mixture and let it rest for 30 minutes in the refrigerator.

Heat water (1/2 gallon) in deep sauce pan and bring to a boil.

Scoop out small dumplings with a soup spoon and form 24 oval dumplings

in the palm of your hand and drop them gently into the boiling water.

Bring to a slow boil and let the dumplings simmer for 10 minutes.

The dumplings are done when they rise to the top

Remove from salt water and place in hot beef broth, 2 nockerl per person.

Top with chopped chives.

BEEF BROTH:

Rinse beef bones. In a large soup pot (4-5 gallons), cover the bones with 2 1/2 gallons of water and all the ingredients. Bring soup to a boil and simmer at low heat for 2 hours.

Skim the foam whenever it builds up on the soup.

Before finishing the soup, check for seasoning and strain through cheese cloth.

Serve soup in a bowl with 2 semolina dumplings.

Garnish with chopped chives

nummies! i had some german semolina dumpling soup at a birth once and have been craving it for the past year.

right nowi am watching dirty dancing.... only on the holidays. :)

kinda local thanksgiving (maybe got 80%)

so i went for the 100 mile local thanksgiving again this year. my mum really wanted a traditional big thanksgiving so i had some resistance to the local thing. with that and a death in the family (memorial the day before thanksgiving) and a birth this past week (the day i was to go out to the royal oak farmers market) i think we did ok.

so here it is:

15 pound turkey - local
stuffing
butter- local
bread- local
onions- local
celery- not local
seasoning- not local
mashed potatoes
pots- not local
milk- local
butter- local
cream cheese- local
sour cream- not local
shrimp dip
shrimp- not local
worcestershire sauce- not local
dried onions- not local
cream cheese- local
corn chips- local and not local (for the curmudgeons)
cheese and grape appetizer- not local (so unfortunate mum bought the stuff)
green beans- local
donns corn dish- a little local (butter & jiffy cornbread mix ;)
pumpkin bread- not local (except sugar)(didnt have time to bake pumpkin and someone only trusted canned pumpkin)
pumpkin pies- not local but homemade (again with the pumpkin)
whipped cream- local
half and half- local
coffee- not local
rolls- local
wine- local
beer- local

so all being said i think we did a smash up job and the turkey is absolutely lovely! guests are here.

happy turkey day!

i have for the most part done this most years for holidays and birthdays (much to my families chagrin) but this year i made it official. my goal is to make most of what i give but this year with a lot of work stuff going on buying handmade will be good too.

the year i was pregnant with the monkey was officially the first handmade christmas - scarves, blankets, candels, cards out of dried sponges and much more. it was great last year when i found the scarf i made my mother with the tag still on.... nice. and a few years ago i found a alabaster sculpture i made my dad in his storage...... i took it back. ;) so with that some may just get a nice basket of home made food or framed kid art.

goodbye grandpa

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

micro researching.

so i am digging around for alternative info on arthritis and thought i would throw it out here if anyone else could use the info.

here are some links:

Homeopathic remedies to relieve immediate pain and joint stiffness may include Rhus toxicodendron or Bryonia-more info found here


General info here

More on Rhus Tox here

And more here form the Arthritis Foundation

Cider Vinegar


more later....kids a calling.

In love and stuff

our little get away to k-zoo was not even 24 hours but it was absolutely lovely. but before i get into that let me briefly talk about the build up.

big daddy and i have not taken a getaway from the kiddos in 7 years. there was one night when the monkey was two or three that we had a night off in our own home but that ended up as a poopy night. we dropped him off at 7pm at my brothers (my mom was there too) and my mom dropped him off at 11am after letting his stay up for about 4 hours in the middle of the night watching cartoons so to say the least he was a nightmare when we got him home.

so we planned this getaway to k-zoo a couple of months ago- one night away. i have been on call for a client and she called on tuesday to update and tell me they scheduled her for an induction next tuesday and her husband was thinking the baby would come on saturday (the day we were to jet out of town) so i was very anxious about missing this night away. big daddy would understand but it would be disappointing. he worked really hard finding a hotel and places to eat. he was awesome.

i get a call on thursday about the drs wanting to induce my client. ok, i thought, although i was not too sure about why they wanted to induce her- the reasons are still pretty questionable. they ended up calling me in on friday morning and after a long hard laboring the baby arrived saturday morning. i was home by 8am (on 1 hour of sleep) in time for big daddy to go to school and for me to take the kids to martial arts class (a make up class since he missed thursday-we had a false alarm with the induction and i went in on thursday night only to be sent home). after that i cleaned the kids rooms like a mad woman we played webkinz (i am totally hooked on cash cow) and watched chronicles of narnia. big daddy got home from school we packed waited for my mom and we were off. got to k-zoo at 7ish.

it took us about 40 minutes to find the damn hotel and calling twice for directions. bad direction giving by the receptionist. big daddy went in and got the key and we were off to dinner at The London Grille as suggested. IT WAS AWESOME!!! appetizer, we both had steaks, he had a beer i had an irish coffee and we split a nice scotch. thanks time for the great suggestion. it was a really great evening over all. absolutely great to hang out with my lovely husband uninterrupted. i forgot how much i really love hanging out with him- jackass and all.

we were planning on sleeping in but the biological alarm clocks would not allow. so we lazed and loafed a bit and were out by 10:30. breakfast was iffy but the coffe on the way out of toen made up for it. it was from the water street coffee across form bells brewery. i wish we had breakfast there. the ride home was fun. i did a postpartum visit at the hospital while big daddy read in the lobby. and home we went.

we got the kids new webkinz which they were totally geeked over- the monkey really wanted the platypus looking one and pouted about it when we went to frankenmuth a couple of weeks ago. and my mom wanted the house rearranged for the BIG thanksgiving dinner (of which i still need to buy a lot of stuff for the 100 mile local thanksgiving) so we whipped that up (it looks great actually and there is room for the free stand up piano i am looking for) and were off to friends house for dinner. bi-bim-bop. it was wonderful company and homemade bi-bim-bop cannot be beat. btw i think big daddy has found his long lost brother in jackasshood. it is heeeelarious.

after that i dropped the kiddos at home and was off to practice the songe i am to sing at my grandfather memorial on wednesday. i didnt even know the song until tonight. that was causing some stress but now i feel a little better. i just hope i dont get all sappy and cry or get shaky voice from nerves. that would suck.

this week is going to be strange and very busy. i will be happy to have it behind me. then i have to bust out these two projects and i will be golden. it kind of sucks that i have to have a close cut deadline to get anything done.

ps- thanks to those who checked in on me this weekend and sent happy thoughts. that makes a gal happy. ;)

btw. i totally want to move to k-zoo.

dolmas...

who knew they were so yummy???

a2 coop much better than ypsi coop unfortunately. i see an over indulgence in my future.

hmmmm.

why do they call them "grave blankets" and "grave pillows"?

and

doesn't one have better things to spend $100 on?

mental floss

i have two big projects due before christmas. that being so my mind starts to wander and procrastinate. here is where i go in that noggin of mine-

-i want to go get a masters in bioethics at MSU with intention to move on to a Phd to work towards ethical regulation of homebirth midwifery.... or something like that.

-i want to buy my ever coveted jewelers bench and fill my tanks to make jewelry again

-i want to quit all my jobs and be a stay home mom only

-i want to be a midwife assistant and maybe a midwife when my kids are older

-i want to travel teaching doula trainings

-i want to go get my masters in jewelry

-i want to live a while year on completely local and seasonal food.

-i want to raise goats

-i want to live in a yurt

-i want to interview senior citizen women and collect their birth stories

-i want to travel

-i want to be super mom

-i am very happy with my amazing family

-i am so happy my marriage is getting better every day

-i am happy with the work i do

what the ferg?

the kids are running around playing crazy
the bean had a baby doll in her shirt saying she she had a baby in her belly.
the bean says the baby is coming the baby is coming
the monkey says hurry you need to get to surgery
......... what the f*** is that?

i step in of course with a look of horror on my face i am sure. the monkey replies "what? babies all are born in the hospital?" again - wtf?! i proceeded to inform him that his sister was born at home adn he was there (he knows this we talk about sometimes) the conversation went on but dribbled out. it is not that i dont want the kids to know that babies are born through surgery at times but as a default for "birth play", nuh-uh. i am over reacting i know and i am ok with that.

i wanna talk about it

i remember when i went on my first outing alone after the monkey was born- it was to target for an hour. i remember walking aimlessly through the isles seeing the world through a new lens. in my head i could not stop thinking "dont these people understand i just brought forth life through my body" "all these people were once little nuggets like mine at home" "life is fucking insane".

tonight, halloween, i was teaching and could not get it out of my head "these folks dont know i just watched my grandfather die" "life is so simple if you stop trying so hard" "yall are going to die someday". it seems another lens has been added to my collection.

then the entire drive home i was thinking about my grandfather and what he looked like after he died. he was semi reclined, his head tilted to the right, eyes closed and mouth open. my step mother was very bothered that we did not close his mouth but i know if i tried to close it i would obsess about keeping it closed and the position he was in i didnt think it would stay closed until rigamortis started to set in. it reminded me of the many holocaust photos i have seen of the dead. i could not help but picture myself in that position- dead that is. the color draining from my face, skin getting slack and droopy, mouth open, eyes closed just sitting there- dead.

I just want to talk about these things. birth life death. it is all so very weird.

There once was a mother

about a week ago i was riding my bike with the kids in the neighborhood. being that it is october folks has their decorations out. one house had fake tombstones and one was of an "unknown soul" 1821-1865. i could not but let my mind wander to the "unknown souls". although i was very aware that this was a fake tombstone i am also very aware there are people who pass unknown or unnoticed. with that my mind goes back to the beginning of these "unknown souls" and i end up with - there once was a mother who gave birth. whether or not that mother ended up mothering the child or passing it on for another to mother or father- for that time she was the mother.

the "unknown soul" was once housed in its mothers belly living inches from her heart. that "unknown soul" came from the mothers body into this world. there once was a mother.

today i am thinking of my grandfathers body at the crematorium. the body created in my great grandmothers womb and presented to the world through her body today will be a pile of ashes.

life and death are funny little things. why do we make it so complicated? it seems to me it should be much simpler.

Death is so interesting

tonight i watched my grandfather die.

early this morning he had a heart attack and was dnr but the ems missed it. so he ended up on a ventilator until hospice could be processed hours later. when i got there he was doped out on morphine he had awoke earlier that afternoon/late morning for about 20 mins. freaked out that he was in the hospital with a tube down his throat (the one thing he did not want after his year of issues and close calls back in 2004). my grandmother, dad, step mom, aunt and uncle were there when i arrived. a bit later my sister in law showed up (my brother is in spain) after a bit they all left to eat and get a bit of rest but my sister in law and myself stayed. after an hour or so of my sister in law rambling on about herself and her new house and .... anyway his lungs stopped and all his organs shut down. i saw it happening as she was talking i stood up she stopped he died.

everyone arrived back to the room about 20 minutes later. it was interesting to be in that room for that 20 minutes with his body. still, slowly changing color from tan and pink to pale yellow. he looked heavy not really sleeping but waiting for him to startle or gasp. he was still warm but over time his ears got cold. he had the softest hair. i knew he was not there but i wanted to touch him and console him as if he were. maybe i thought of it as if it were a channel to wherever he had gone.

when everyone did return- my grandmother was relieved it was over and a peaceful passing for him. and my dad and aunt cope as they do best by talking and planning... for the next tow hours. they did end up kicking up out of the room before he started to funk.

i realize i am much better witnessing death than thinking about it.

when i did get upset it was most always when thinking about my grandmother. her living on without him. her having this suffering with my grandfather over the past few years with his poor health. her having to watch him die. most all of these were way too close with my fear of losing my husband and best friend, be it now or when we are 90.

i have fought really allowing myself to be really close to my husband (ie. me pushing him away, being a bitch etc.) for years and only recently have i really given into the vulnerability of truly allowing myself to love him. it has been hard and scary. if i held him (or anyone really ) at arms length when they die my rational was that it would be easier. stupid rational - i know. now i love him with all my heart without reservation and have panic attacks about him having a heart attack or some other demise almost weekly.

now at least i can think of my grandmother if one day i have to wake up knowing the love of my life is gone. i will not be alone and i will be so blessed for having him for the time i did.

death is so interesting.

good music and good company

friday was an unexpected outing to go hear some great music. especially a local little lady (amy morgan) who was unfortunately under the weather but she still played the piano and guitar beautifully. john latini was great and the company was good.
i dont think i have ever been to the tap room annex before. 13 years i have lived here and it is nice to discover new things.

makes me want to sing :)

Female Prostate

Read here

I found this interesting (among other things)
""The first person known to have described the "female prostate" in Western medical literature was Reinier De Graaf (1641-1673) in the year 1672. He described it as a collection of functional glands and ducts surrounding the female urethra. He said the glands and ducts produced a "pituitoserous juice;" meaning it produces a thick mucous that is pale yellow or transparent in color. He said the function of this fluid was to make "women more libidinous with its pungency and saltiness and lubricates their sexual parts in agreeable fashion during coitus." Despite his observation modern Western medicine did not fully accept the concept of a "female prostate" until 2001 when the Federative Committee on Anatomical Terminology agreed to use this term in their next edition of Histology Terminology."

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

wtf? my son is 6 and the neighbor girl is putting the moves on him in their garage. the monkey told me
she said:
"are you thinking what i am thinking?" (as she walked into the garage)
he said:
"uh..... sure."
then she kisses him on the lips. and he said he freaked out and ran home.

this was a few weeks ago i guess. then today we had a play date and the monkey kissed his play friend (a girl) good bye on the lips as she was leaving. seeing this i was compelled to ask if that was his first kiss. he replied no and told me of the incident above. then asked if that was the first time he kissed his play friend today. he replied no he kissed her earlier int he day while they were hiding from the bean in the shower stall. i asked who initiated it and he said he kissed her and she freaked out and ran out of the bathroom saying she had to go to the bathroom.

we talked and i think i handled it pretty well. we did lay down the guidelines that you have to ask someone if you can kiss them before you lay a wet one on them. the whole conversation i must say was really adorable. he blushed and had a cute little embarrassed but proud smile.

now if my neighbors could curb their daughters fast track ways (hannah montana style i can only assume by this said 6 year old girls obsession with the show, the music and anything hannah montana)

Today is a new day. And that damn Ego.

I taught interventions in my childbirth ed. classes last night. It is a hard two and a half hours to see the light bulbs go off and the fear and shock grow on their faces like trapped animals. Luckily the next two weeks of class helps empower and relieve all that yucky stuff.

I would like to sit in on other childbirth ed. classes that cater to the epidural crowd. What do they teach? Or are they as honest as me but all the attending couples so stuck in fear they have their ear muffs on that they cannot even hear the alternative of trying to do it without getting hte epidural in the parking lot.

So, I have been having my ego struggle lately. The problem with having midwives as friends is the ever feeling not cool enough. The "I'm just a childbirth educator" or "I am just a doula". Intellectually I know that what I do is very important. I fill a huge gap that our culture has in the reproductive years. I love thinking about it and with the kid of work I do I can reach a lot of people and get them to look at things different so maybe they will hire a doula or have a midwife attended birth at the hospital or at home for their normal healthy pregnancy. Giving them confidence in their bodies and their ability to get through birth. BUT my ego sneaks in and whispers "but your not a midwife." Damn you little monster in my head. Intellectually I know I do not want to be a midwife right now and honestly I do not know what the future will hold for me. My husband is working full time and in school full time (so freaking cool! and i am so proud of him). I do want to stay home and homeschool my kids for now (although many think i am crazy). My "career" can come later (whatever that may be) and I am ok with that but that damn ego. Maybe my path is to train women to be doulas, or get into academics, or to follow my husband all over the world while he studies rare new species.

Honestly I was looking at jewelers benches on line last night. I will stay in birth work but I want balance back. For balance I need time. I want to play with fire and metal and create again.

Right now I just need some Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smiley.

Some thoughts on Doulas

with in an hour it went to a marginally poopy day to a great day.

i woke up really annoyed with how some folks are talking about my profession as a doula (as it was described in the book Pushed). not that i do not agree with them on a whole that doulas could be supporting women in some really medically over managed births and trying to make it into a good experience when they otherwise may see it as something that was not the way it should have gone - sugar coating the experience it has been said. i think it is not the fact that we are in there i think it is that most doulas dont really get in there and be there more hands on when it can make a difference. especially in the past year i find that if you are more respectfully active as a doula the mother gets left alone more and the nurses back off a bit or getting creative with the bumps that come your way like constant fetal monitoring.

i was at a birth that after i left the nurse told the couple that i was so hand on and present for the mother where most doulas she worked with sat in the chair and knit or read a book while the mom was in the tub, just chillin or doing her thing. i take a book or knitting but i find i rarely get to pick it up and if i do it is never in the room with the mom. it is different to attend a mother in the hospital than in their home. in the hospital if a mom is in the tub i am kneeling on the floor just being there with her if that is what she wants (sometimes the mom likes alone time or just time with her partner in there) if mom is in the bed chillin' i may not say anything or do anything special but my attention is still on her and she can tell the difference. in the home it is her space and she may want you with her or not but there is more flexibility because she is in her space and usually does not feel she needs to be anchored or protected from anything. and it is hard for me to attend a homebirth and a hospital birth back to back because there is a huge difference.

i think a lot of doulas do this work so part time it is hard to feel a sense of authority or be able to have a strong presence in the hospital. many are just intimidated. i have seen some messed up stuff and in postpartum visits sometimes light bulbs start going off but sometimes it does not happen until a year or more later.

i am just getting so peeved at the are doulas good or bad debate. WOMEN ARE TALKING ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES LIKE THEY DID NOT BEFORE. there may not be the direct change that some may want but there is change occuring. a recent client of mine had her mother come into town and was so happy that her daughter had her baby in a room of women and supported. to this line of women this was a huge improvement from the grandmothers birth in the 70's where she was alone, shaved, enema, in stirrups surrounded with strange men.

ok, i am getting more into this than i meant to right now. the c-section rate and birth in general is complicated. it is a social/cultural issue, an business issue (insurance and hospitals), and education issue. i believe in what i do and how i do it and i hear what folks are saying but i think they are being very short sighted and shallow thinking.

BUT THE FLIP SIDE OF MY MORNING: last night i got a facebook friend request from a friend in australia that i havent talked to or been able to get a hold of in three years. that made my morning and my bitchy mood has been defused. thank you.

PPPSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH...

do you hear that? it is me decompressing.

oh my goodness i have been wound so tight the past few weeks the littlest thing could throw me into tears or rage. yesterday big daddy took the monkeys to the in-laws for the day and i got to work on my much overdue project. after a surprisingly easy time at my project i popped up to the corner brew early for the book meeting and found some other friends there. a few beers later i cut myself off and moved to coca-cola.

honestly i cannot remember the last time i had a day off from the kids (not including births). it has pretty much been full on since at least spring. not good.

funny thing is that i was on the phone two days ago counseling a new mom about taking care of herself so she can take care of her family. as the words came out of my mouth i was kicking myself in my head - why is it so hard to take care of ourselves, to ask for what we need or just to ask for help (i am terrible at that last one).

i actually feel like i can deal with the world today. thanks big daddy.

why?

why does a baby decide to be born from a perfectly healthy mother at 33 weeks? i long to understand the man behind the curtain.

the other day...i met a bear.

the other day the monkey asked me what a monk was. i answered as best i could including different religions which led to talking about different peoples beliefs. after awhile i shared that i believed that Jesus was a really great man. the monkey replied "yeah, i believe in Jesus........ and faeries, gnomes and sprites." i said "me too."

summer in october

bills. ACK! had a wee bit of a freak out last night that ended up in an ok situation but a swift kick in the ass on order in chaos.

this past year i have felt like i have been running like mad to catch up with my life. everything happened so quickly. and the order in my life that i love so much and makes me feel safe fell into a pile on the floor along with my laundry. waiting and almost begging for me to give it some attention.

i try to set boundaries like - no working on sundays. then i get a call from a nice pregnant lady explaining how sunday is the only day she can get a massage....so i bend my life to accommodate. it does not sound like a big deal but if one does this enough then they are working every day even if just for a little bit. it is not good when it takes a lot to let go and focus on hanging out with the family.

on another note we, as an entire family went hiking in the crazy hot october weather, at leslie science center. big daddy caught a snake and the monkey found two. the pond was dried up but we found bugs. it was so nice to hang out as a whole family. it is too rare. i wish i took the camera because we would have gotten some great photos of our hot ass selves. ;)

off to the lake with the kids since it is supposed to be 90 degrees today. wow!

babies, dragon boats and water heaters

how can so much happen in such a short period of time?

well for us that is. we are homebodies at heart and although we are productive we are not the jet set types. (i love to call our new neighbors the jet setters- they are wonderful busy over acheiver types that make me feel like i am moving in slow motion).

the second time mom i was waiting on had her baby friday night it was a quick birth which balanced out the long birth from last week. i had a strong feeling that this would be a quick one. all went beautiful with a 10lb 12oz bouncing baby boy in the end. she was amazing to watch. and her partner was wonderful too. it happened smack dab in the middle of the night. first call at 12:30am, called out at 1:30am baby born by 3:30 am home by 6:30 am and making pancakes for the kids by 8:30 am.

big daddy had school that day so i trucked the kids to a2 for the red tent event which was fun. the kids entertained themselves with crafts, food, and puppet shows. i talked to some great ladies and got invited to a retreat at the beginning of november to scope out an organization i have been asked to be on the board of. i am planning on joining the board but i love retreats with ropes courses and fun as hell women to boot.

after that we went to the fallapalooza in depot town. it was fun. we stopped by the five and dime to get a magnet claendar so the monkey can start learning the months and days. i have wanted one for a few years but have been to cheap to buy one. i splurged. it helps that i found out i will be getting paid to teach this fall. i was not counting on that. yay! we are still waiting on the retro pell grant check but that is another post.

saturday night i took big daddy on a date to see the movie "birth as business"- yes that was a date ;) i wrote about it in the last post so i will not detail about it. but it did open some really nice conversation between big daddy and i about our birth experiences. it was good.

sunday i had a massage at 9am that i forgot to cancel. i was really tired at that point. the day after effect. the kids and i went to serviec at 11:30am there is a new guy who i love. very inspirational talked about anti religous/spiritual extremeism. very fitting for where my head was. talking about inclucivity and the like. the bean loved it. her first time in the preschool room.

then we went to the dragon boat festival . the bean was tired. it was interesting but they started closing down about two hours before advertised. we waited in line for face paining for 1/2 hour for them to tell us they were shutting down. so we stopped off at the haloween store to get face paints that we did today.

AND last but not least late last night the water heater pooped out. and tomorrow and $700 later we will have hot water again. yay! ha.

off to eat.... good day.

a different shade of gray

after watching "the business of birth" and hearing an interesting panel of "experts" field questions and debate over the topic of birth in america, i am left with thoughts. i wanted to say something but my fear of public speaking and a quivering voice kept me from speaking up. i usually dont get stage fright especially when talking about birth but there was a fellow who was a medical bioethicist (whom i have heard about and is super cool in my book) who i just really didnt want to chance looking like a jack ass in front of. but anyway back to the brain dump.

they seemed to talk in circles about the same old shit dr's bad, natural birth good, system fucked, our country's maternal and infant mortality are awful, blah blah blah. i dotn mean to be flip but it just is like two dogs chasing after eachothers tails. so my thoughts were-

1. if most births are attended by ob's then why are obs not being trained in natural birth and the art of doing nothing? (i know there is a liability answer in there but they do lack training in normal birth and nutrition for optimal pregnancy)

2. what about continuity of care from pregnancy, birth to postpartum?

3. education of options of care providers and consumers alike?

4. what about creating community round tables on the topics in birth and cross profession peer reviews? (i know there are egos in the answers to this one)

5. what about depolarizing the issue and coming together without blame or fear of the other? the only way to change is to hear each other out WITH RESPECT even if we disagree.

the far left and the far right in any situation annoy the shit out of me regarding their inability to see the entire picture. there are many of us in the gray and if we were able to come together regularly WITH RESPECT maybe we could get somewhere.

photo update

as summer comes to an end a photo update is in order. it was a crazy busy time and the fall is brining much fun with lots of hiking. so here we go...

First we begin with the sweater (this one is for you kim) who you ask knits a sweater in the middle of the summer? me. i did not think i would get it done so quickly. i was sure i would need at least three months for it but a couple weeks in all and it was done. the bean loves it and is very proud that it was made by me (gush) i also sewed her a funky purple fleece dress (no pics sorry)
next we have the blessingway to celebrate a friends getting her CPM as a midwife. a long path and a night of wine, food and the hat. most blessingways have wreaths of flowers but it just didnt seem to fit so we had a hat decorated with rubber cloves, lube, cord clamps and chicken bones among other things :)
the bean turned three this year! that is a big one in our house. yes she is pouting in this pic. but the monkey has his charm going. and she picked that fly outfit too, just one of many fashionable combos she has come up with. (and i love it!!!)
this is the matured pond. big daddy's project and it is beautiful. in it live fish and frog.... so cool.

strawberry ice cream and feet


the monkey's art show from his two week art and drama camp. they also wrote and put on a play at the end for the parents. it was awesome. i was very happy i found the camcorder charger for that. (its been lost for 2 years...whoops).
this is oen of the greatest (not kid related) things to happen this summer. we signed up for door to door organics. we get a once a week delivery of great organic food for a great price. it is like christmas every tuesday. it makes it so much easier to cook now since the produce dictates the menu. like we got artichokes- what does one do with artichokes for a meal? well, you boil them in water with salt and vinegar until tender and serve with crumbled feta with drizzled olive oil and oregano and bread with sliced plums for desert. YUM!
going on a neighborhood hike with one of our two new neighbor friends. we were gnome hunting.
the monkeys first day back at his homeschool art class they did self portraits. he said he had help with the nose but the rest was his. his wonderful talented 6 year old self!!! impressive.
our trip to three cedars farm. the tail-less cow.
this is why i kick kids out of my kitchen while i am using knives. it has healed nicely but i do miss that corner of my nail a bit.
our trip to the arb of a beautiful day. hiking down to the river climbing "cricket mountain" looking for gnomes and fairies trying to beat the "dark one" (the rain clouds) searching for the crystal palace while counting the messengers (the runners) and pointing out the old wise ones (the older folks who were walking). then we got in tht floater and drove home :)

this was at parker mill park. the bean was a bit grumpy and i was recovering from sleep deprivation but it was a great day for a hike.

we have started the fall with lot more hiking as you can tell. last night we had a lovely dinner party that lasted into the night. we are busy with school, work and hanging out. looking forward to chilling with friends and eating good food into the coming winter. I love fall!

a long one

after two days with this adorable couple and a couple nights of sleep lost the wee nugget was born yesterday at 3:25pm. it was a long haul but lovely. i did so miss my family when i was gone that long. i had to give a talk at whole foods that night at 7:30pm-8:30pm about birth choices so i had big daddy have a movie night so the sweet monkeys would be awake when i got home. even though they were up later they were still bright eyed and bushy tailed at 7:30am.

childcare for this one was kind of tight. my good friend canceled her appointment the first day to watch my kids. i was so thankful. and the monkey got to see his friend he has not seen in a bit. although the bean tells me she is not really grooving with my friends 3 year old but i am sure she still had fun. the second day was a bit more tricky. i was able to come home for a couple of hours to let big daddy get to work early, get the kids up and dressed and orchestrate childcare for the day which was asking my good friend again to watch the kids before and after her classes with my new (but absolutely lovely with southern hospitality) neighbor (well actually my new neighbors absolutely lovely mother in law) watching them while my good friend was in class. i even called my dad the second day to see if he wanted to play hooky from work to watch the kids. surprisingly he was open to it so that was good news.

today is a lot of laundry and grocery shopping (we have had no groceries for 3 days-oops) and hanging with the kiddos.

working as a doula is an odd calling. we are inviting into one of the most intimate events of a womans and a couples life. there was one point where this mother was in the shower with her radio blaring her premade labor mix, her husband stood moaning fore head to forehead with her while also spraying her back with the removable shower head. the peace on her face and the strength he offered her was beautiful to see. this couple was so connected i teared up watching them. i was really there at times just as a witness to this amazing event.

the birth unit was really busy because of all those childless folks going out on new years and kickin' it with some baby makin'. for how busy it was the on call midwives called in back up for all three of the 12 hour shifts we were there for so we got to see quite a few faces, midwife faces that is. i think at one point they had 9 women in labor at the same time. insane.

hopefully i will have a photo update soon.

update from birthsitting

last night i was trying ot upload pictures that have been on my computer for most of the summer. i was going to have a photo update but that will have to wait because a baby is coming....although slowly.

a new year of homeschool this year and it is actually going well. the hardest part for me is to put it priority over someone wanting to stop by in the morning or jetting out for an errand. when we keep to the plan all is good and the kids love it. we have taken to schooling first thing in the morning. the monkey is doing awesome and the bean wants to do all that the monkey is doing so she has been given an old workbook of the monkeys to destroy.... oh, i mean work on. then most days we go for a hike in a park somewhere last week was an adventure in the arb and another day was a less than relaxing hike at the botanical gardens. we had dentist and other appointments that kept us from hikes the other days but it seems like it will be a good year for it. if i get really organized we will get into letterboxing. today was supposed ot be parker mill park but as i said a baby is a-comin'.

work has been on my mind although i have had a wee bit of a break. too much down time gets my mind a runnin'. many changes are occurring in all areas none of which i have control over all of which have impact on me. only time will show the outcome. i got some good news yesterday, well i guess it is just news but i see it as good news. of which i hope to be able to talk about soon. sorry to be vague. i sent out my ALACE certification exam request and i have to write a 50-80 page outline for DONA asap. i am pretty unmotivated for both but know i need to have them behind me and the only way in through.

i got a cherry deal on birth books, a fetoscope, bp cuff, stethoscope, and some other goodies for a birth bag form a lovely friend yesterday. it was also a great morning for more than the booty.

the lovely couple has just gotten back from their walk so i am going to sign ff for now. I hope to update soon with some great photos of the family and out hikes last week.

finally getting around to posting this here

August 13, 2007 - Monday

stop this train, i wnat to get off and go home again it is one of those times. feeling a bit thin skinned. an idiot and an impostor as the routine settles in again and the normal speed of our busy lives picks up. i want to get off. i liked it slow. i liked the break. i remembered to the times that i would run away (travel) every year to escape and shut down. i feel like i have been "on" for too long. a light bulb that is getting a bit too hot about to burn the whole house down. everyone says i will miss these times, when the kids are young but i miss them now. i want it all but i want none of it. i lay down with my daughter who has been raging most of the evening. she is mad but at what i do not know- at growing up maybe, that i can understand. she is tired, weepy and so i sing to her. i sit on the floor watching her eyes open and close as she has the inner debate as whether to give in to sleep. her chubby little cheeks which i havent noticed in awhile exaggerated under the edge of the comforter. i sing twinkle twinkle (her favorite), hush little baby, and she asks me to sing ABC. i watch her doze off and think of the year and a half old baby that passed a couple of weeks ago. i look into my daughters face and think how lucky i am to have her. i look at her face and try to see her as a girl and then as a woman. i think of the paths her life may take and pray she lives long and well, and has a peaceful death. the last of which i pray i will be long gone for but waiting for her when it is her time to join me. I think she has fallen asleep, tears running down my cheeks i pet her hair, kiss her forehead and say "i love you". eyes still closed she rolls over and dreamily says "i love you too, mama" a moment so perfect you want to catch it in a jar and save it forever. or at least until the next day when she is raging again. this is where my brain goes at the drop of a hat. and all i wanted was a goldfish.

Male Doula

Another reason to absolutely LOVE Vince Vaughn!

"Talk about a guy who's money, Universal is all over Vince Vaughn following the success of The Break-Up ($205 million worldwide), and has decided to nail him down to a two-year, first-look producing deal with the studio. Vaughn helped produce The Break-Up, as well as brought Uni the idea for it, and so they feel there's a lot more where that came from. In fact, Vaughn's Wild West Picture Show Prods. has already lined up three features with the studio; all of which are potential starring vehicles for the actor. The first is a high-concept comedy called Male Doula. Based on Vaughn's own idea, the flick will be penned by Dana Fox. Since they're keeping this one under wraps, I decided to do a tad more investigating. What I found (via our sister site Parent Dish) was that a 'doula' is "someone who accompanies a woman in labor. She 'mothers the mother,' taking care of her emotional needs throughout childbirth." From what I've seen, a male doula is very rare, which immediately opens the subject up for tons of comedic potential."

link to whole article.

Professionally speaking this is good in my world. If it is not negative press it is good press! I dream of a day that any woman that wants or really needs a Doula but does not know it can have one or be hooked up with one.

I have picked up the book Born in the USA again and I am determined to truck through it now that Harry Potter is behind me. It gets my wheels spinning on the state of affairs in the birth world and where changes can be made for better outcomes that do not depend on the internal system. Doulas are a possible answer. Well trained, good hearted, positive, supportive doulas who love their work.

I have more to say but I feel like reading....

Baby!

Baby gecko that is. Big daddy is now the proud daddy to a two day old baby gargoyle gecko that he took care of as an egg that came from the two geckos kickin' it in the post a few weeks ago. YAY! after almost a decade of trying to make reptile babies we have one!!!!! If I ever get organized I will post a pic of his cuteness (the gecko not big daddy although both are worthy of the cuteness)

For Kim

At the farmers market there was this lady www.suchprettycolors.com
I thought of you. Especially the quilted stuff. And these other folks made really pretty little girls dresses and knitted the cutest hats.

I feel another package coming on. Been mentally making a cd for you ;)

Cherries and Peaches

This summer has been a wee bit crazy and it seems like the past few days have been moving in slow motion. The bean and I had a lazy morning as we are on pick up patrol today rather than drop off. We eventually took a bath together- the bean got a big kick out of washing my hair and she loves the jet action in the tub. The bean and I went to the A2 farmers market for the first time of the season believe it or not. It was a short trip but very enjoyable. Wonderful peaches (of which i only buy at the farmers market in season- bit of a snob about peaches) and delicious clothe staining cherries. YUM! Great green beans that have been my raw crunchy snack since I got home and a few other goodies. In the non-edible world I got 4 perineals for the back yard for $20. I just need to remember to water them. Frog- feel free to be my reminder on that -ha!

Teaching newborn infant care tonight of which I always feel under qualified to teach. It all works out though and L will be there to fill in if there are gaps. Looking to show a video so I am off to dive into the closet of crap to find it and pre-screen.

Btw- Donn is officially done with school for 2 weeks. YAY!!!

And for those who live close to me I have 5 bags of clothes that will be going to purple heart on Friday if you want to go through them.

I think the bean is ready for the monkey to come home and so am I.

Recovery

This weekend was like someone hit the fast forwards button. Here it is as it was:

Friday night I went up to read some HP. Mum comes up just before I was thinking of going to sleep and informs me that there is h2o in the basement again. I went down to check it out and try and help. Got on the phone with my heating and cooling friend (who put in the furnace and A/C on this house) and bribed him with sweet talking and a massage to come out from about an hour away to look at it for us in the morning. that night mum and I pulled up carpet, tried to dry it as much as possible but it was eventually time to just go to sleep. Mum had had a 80 hour week on about 3/4 hours sleep a night and she had to go in to work again Saturday morning. When it rains it pours. I felt really bad for her.

Saturday:
Woke up, made coffee, fed kids, showered, got a call from my doula client who was in early labor, buzzed around to get ready for my 10AM massage who showed up at 9:30AM. My heating & cooling friend showed just as she was getting off the table. He fixed the A/C as I was scheduling a meeting for 12:30pm for the last part of the dreaded (but really good fund raiser for the center) cookbook. Got my friend on the table and as soon as I finished with him my meeting showed up. Got another call form client- ditched my meeting at my house (they grabbed pics of my pooter for the project) and went to clients house. She was doing wonderful for a woman in labor. Jetted home after about 45 minutes to grab stuff for her and wrap up the meeting I was not at. Went back to client and labored with her at home and at the hospital until about 1:30 when baby was born (They did AWESOME!!! It was a beautiful birth.)
Sunday:
Baby born @ 1:30AM I leave 3:30AM. Two blocks from my bed in my house my phone rings. My other clients went into labor at about 1:30 AM. They were to get her in the tub to rest a bit. I went home emailed the center, at which I was to teach the next day, to inform her that I may not be there. (i really wanted to be there). Brush teeth go to hop in bed- Donn is in my spot, the bean is in his spot so I kick the dog out of her bed and sleep in the beans bed. The thought of the upcoming phone call made it difficult to fall asleep and just as I did at 5AM the phone rings. Off I go the birth. A bit hit at this moment. (All nighters are no big deal but back to back made the witching hour harder- the witching hour for me int his work is 4AM-7Am) Got to their house and they were doing great. In their groove and she was working hard. Labored at home with them and at the hospital and the baby arrived at noon. (another AWESOME BIRTH! )My class started at 1PM so I was doing good but I didn't have my car, it was at the clients house. So after all was done with the birth and the family was settled. A friend helped by picking me up and taking me to my car. Got to the center by 2:30-3ish (the class went until 5pm). we swapped out teachers and I was able to teach the last part of the class. Picked up chinese on the way home for the family and had a small going away party at our hose for our neighbors that are moving today. Put the kids to bed. Read the first chapter of the next Indian in the cupboard books and picked up my HP. Got though about a page before I passed out at 9:30pm.

It was all good and I have two births down for the month. I was not really sleepy except Sunday when I first got to my clients home. I don't know what it is about that time of day for my birth work but it is my down time. Both birth experiences with the midwives at the hospital were optimal. Really great. I am feeling good about things.

Also I am glad I made it to teaching. I am finally starting to get my groove. I got a great email from someone in my former classes- she wants to see me to see the baby and talk about the birth. She emphasized how she felt that the classes really made a difference to her. I love working with birth in this capacity.

The only bummer was that I did not get to hang out with the monkey this weekend. It feels like it has been forever since I have seen him between being out of town then him being in camp, which he has also this week. I miss the crazy monkey.

Also I remember how wonderful my husband is for when we get crazy days like these. He picks up the ball without flinching. He is awesome and always has been. And today is his last day of school for the semester!!! Two weeks off then back to the books but two weeks off! Maybe I will have a blip of off call time to get out of town with him for a night. I hope so.

Great News!!!

The Indian in the Cupboard is a series!!!

There are two stories that the monkey loves. He loved The book The Indian in the Cupboard and he loves the movie Jumanji. I got the picture book for Jumanji along with a few other books by Chris Van Allsburg from the library. Also got the next book in the Indian in the Cupboard series.
The monkey loved it so much that any book after was just not good enough. We tried reading Warriors, and Magyk- they just did not stack up to the Indian.

I am so excited I want to call the monkey at camp and tell him. whoohoo!!!

Another reason I homeschool...plastic baggies

The monkey has been in camp from 9-5 since Monday. It has been nice to have time alone with the bean although i have been sick as a dog and working every night.

It has been a real test thought, well maybe a trial, of what it would be like if the monkey were in school. I think I would hate it. As he is realizing how much he likes being home with me.

But the kicker is- I can not get these kids up and out of the house fed and ready to go on time to get to camp. When we were driving the teacher (because her car broke down) we of course were very early. But since she got her car back we have been 5-10 minutes late every day. It sucks having to be so functional every morning. lol.

Also the whole packed lunch thing makes me cuckoo. Kim sent me a link to the Laptop Lunches news letter which was perfect timing, she must have read my mind, because the number of plastic baggies i have used in the past week makes me uncomfortable. And trying to come up with variety for lunches that I pack after I get home from work at 10-11pm before I crash into bed just is not good. The little bugger also avoids eating any veggies I put in there....and he likes carrots. He did love the bean, salsa, avocado dip though. Ham sandwich ...not so much. So he has had a lot of sunflower butter and jelly sandwiches. Which on another off note makes me nervous him having so much gluten products with Celiac running in Donns family. Between eating a bfast bar in the car, sandwich cookies and crackers for lunch and who knows what for dinner. Most likely we are fine but I dread the idea of becoming a gluten free family. There was a scare there for a bit when Donn because allergic to eggs.

Most of all though I miss my monkey. He is crazy but that is what makes the days with him interesting. I think this is going to be a good year. I am going to try to do my own curriculum, using bit and pieces of things here and there. We will be using the book The Story of the World series starting this year. This link is also really helpful as to what I should be covering this year and resources for how to go about it. Donn is going to pick up some of the animal stuff with homeschooling at night while I am working. The bean is also old enough to work with us this year, last year was hard with her being two. Next year will be even better for her.

All in all this camp is great for a break from the monkey. For the monkey to get a break from us. But mostly to affirm that we really are doing what is right for us. It is not for everybody but we really like it and it works for our family. I am not saying it isn't insane and hard especially with Donn and I both working but it is where we want to be.

Recycling

I have always found great joy in recycling.

My new goal is to minimize the amount of non-recyclable trash. The Ann Arbor recycling center takes a few more items than our fair city. My approach is to set up different bins in the garage for everything from mixed paper- junk mail, used paper etc., Styrofoam- take away containers, packaging, etc., plastic bags (we have too many of those), corrugated cardboard, batteries, light bulbs, egg cartons, and so much more!

I would like to get down to one small bin of non-recyclable trash for our family of five per week.

We are also working towards converting all our house lighting to eco-friendly energy efficient light bulbs.

We are also going to be purchasing terra passes for our cars www.terrapass.com My car puts out over 18,000 lbs. of CO2 a year. Ouch!

Another small thing is taking the kids on garbage pick up walks. Thanks to our neighbor Michelle as inspiration.

I will post my progress on the garbage challenge.

my trip

It has been a week since I got home from my trip and much has happened. So only now do I feel like writing.
When I got home it was like a whirlwind of activity. My mother in law had come down to help with the kids while I was gone. I got home Wednesday night and my father in law came out Thursday night to pick her up and to see the kids. They spent the night (Donn and I went to go see HP and the power went out right at the good part at the end) Friday morning we took the kids out to get toys a t the Five and Dime for their birthday's. The bean's birthday was that Friday and they were making up for missing the monkey's bday. My brother and his family came out Friday morning to spend the night so we could take them to the airport Saturday early afternoon- they were moving to Florida. That in itself is kind of weird. The build up to their departure was hard on my mom but now that it is behind up things seem to be mellowing out. My in laws, who are just great I must say, left Friday afternoon. That Sunday I taught from 1-5 then had a consult that evening. Then Monday morning the monkey started his 2 week art and drama camp. 9-5 M-F for 2 weeks. Crazy. Good to have time alone with the bean. She is napping all of a sudden. She needs the break.
Monday news came that a family friends daughter who has been fighting leukemia since January had passed. She was just a baby. They had taken her home for hospice care on Friday. It was very sad.
Tuesday and Wednesday I was really ill but still taught. I love Advil cold and sinus. Tuesday night was really bad- hardly got a wink of sleep. Wednesday the bean was kind of on her own and she did a job of trashing the family room :) but she let mama nap and take a long bath to try to get rid of the snots. Doing good now.
Went grocery shopping for the first time in a few weeks today. Cleaned out the fridge and the pantry (much needed) and the bean is napping.
So, the trip. The drive was long but nice. I only got kind of antsy since from Chicago to St. Louis there is A LOT of corn fields. I listened to Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys on books on CD. I had two other books but the one got me down there and a third of the way back.
I was very excited to get to the hotel although it was very busy- two weddings, a hs reunion and a family reunion were going on. I was lucky enough to have my own room for the trip. I looked into room sharing but my only option was to share a 2 king room with 3 other women i did not know. The organization I work for paid for the room and the woman I work with said that she would not ask me to do anything she would not do and she would not share a room with 3 other women she did not know. It was really nice to have a room to myself. I had a wee anxiety attack the first hour or so being away form my family. But my dear lovely friend Chucki who lives in St. Louis invited me to come out and meet him and two friends he had in visiting from Chicago for sushi and wine. It was so good to see Chucki. I don't think I had seen him since the monkey was born. Chucki was the first friend to come over and meet the monkey- he brought me tapioca pudding that day ;). Chucki lives in the cutest neighborhood, the architecture was beautiful. My goal is to get the whole family down to visit him sometime soon. That was a highlight of the trip.
Sunday morning I slept in, took my time getting up and ready for the day. I went walking around looking for the conference- found it and decided to go back to my room to read a great book a good friend had sent me the week before I left- The Gypsy Chronicles. It turns out the author lives in my town. I read for a bit then ended up meditating for over an hour. I have not been able to do that in years. It was great to just let my mind go.
Sunday at 2pm the training began. It went until 9pm Sunday. Then Monday 8am to 9pm and Tuesday 8am to 9pm and Wednesday 8am to noon. Then home I drove again.
The training was good. It was the third time I have sat through a Doula training (part of the trainer training is to sit in on others teaching a doula training). This one was taught by Kathy McGrath and Penny Simkin (a big name in the birth world). Kathy has a background as a social worker so she crafted emotional work into the training that I thought was very interesting. Penny is in her late 60's I would say, short and very spunky. I learned a lot about my work and even more about myself on this trip. The second night I was really missing my family. Fortunately the training kept me busy.
Some of the emotional work that came with the training brought up some things that I was not aware of. Well, maybe I was but I did not understand how much it was weighing on me. One activity was to think of a time that you needed to ask for help then you had to tell it to the person you were paired up with. The training is mostly women and many of us had a hard time admitting when we needed help. It was a two way activity of understanding how difficult it is for some to ask for help then also of active listening. There were a few other activities of this sort that led up to an activity called the ideal birth. In this activity you draw or write what your ideal birth would be. Mine was to have Donn be the primary person with me and to have some good friends in the house with me. It was not traditional as most- others were more specific of type of care provider, h2o birth, whatever.
This activity hit a chord with me. Although the beans birth by all means was perfect, there were some missing points. One in particular is that I really wanted Donn to be with me- I never asked that of him because I thought he didn't want to be there. Now I know that he would have been there for me and been great if I just asked. But where we were at that time was not the best place for such communication. I really wanted him there for me. I didn't feel the support that I wanted in that pregnancy from those close to me. Even with my midwives I thought it was lacking. I remember my midwife complaining that she had a headache when she did the newborn exam. They were only there 3 hours. (i didn't call them until right before she came out) It really is true that moms remember little details from their births. It was mostly because I didn't ask for what I needed. I don't even know if I knew for sure what I wanted- but I think I just wanted to have it feel special. I was to busy being polite instead of asking for what I wanted.
I know I should be content that the birth was straight forward and the bean is fine. I do feel guilty about critiquing how it went and how I wish it could have been. It does lead to a bigger picture though. One thing is how I communicate with Donn- I think it really would have made a difference in many things if I just told him that I needed him and that I wanted him to be there for me. It makes me think about those close to me in the big picture and how these relationships function.
Another light bulb that went off on this trip is that I am by nature a pretty quiet person. In having kids I have forced myself to be more social and chatty- which makes me more crazy, hyper sensitive and anxious. I like things simple and slow. I like to be in my head. I told Donn about this when I got home and his response was equivalent to- DUH (he concurred that I changed in being a mother).
It was bizarre to be away from my family for that time. It was nice to put a wedge in running on auto pilot trend that I have been functioning in for way too long. It was wonderful to come home though. The drive home was long but good- going in the right direction. It gave me a great appreciation for the trees in Michigan. It also makes me want to move to the K-zoo area from mid state to the west side of the state. I have friends that are planning on moving to K-zoo, I would love to live near them.
Arthur is over and now the bean and I are going for a walk.